You adore your spouse. His or her kids are great too. The ex? Well, maybe not so much. Even if you generally have a civil relationship with your spouse’s ex, things may very well get tense when the holidays roll around.
Being a step-parent isn’t always easy. It requires a lot of patience. I commend those who do it well. For those of you who may not feel like it’s going so great, I have a couple tips that might help.
Do not Enable Your Spouse
If your husband or wife engages in an unhealthy competition in regard to the children, especially during the holidays, don’t get caught up in it or encourage it. If it’s really bad, you may need to gently confront him or her about it. Of course you want the kids to like you and maybe you would also like if they preferred your spouse to the ex at least some of the time. It’s natural, but the adult inside has to reign in that competitive inner child.
Be the Big Person
You want your spouse and the ex to get along to some degree, for the sake of everyone’s sanity, and for the sake of the kids. Still, it can stir feelings of jealousy if you see them getting along just a little too well. Remember, it is good for the kids if they get along and if they sometimes act in tandem. Yes, you are the partner now, not her (or him), but kids need their parents, even divorced parents, to be a team sometimes. A really nice idea is for your spouse and his or her ex to go together on at least one gift for the child(ren). That may be a little hard, but it serves two purposes. One, it makes the children feel that they are being put first, and two, it removes the competition over who gave the better gift. There’s no reason you can’t still give a nice gift from you and your spouse, so you don’t feel left out and so that the child knows you care.
*Relationships get complicated at times, but we can make them work.
Related: Can You Survive? Stepfamily Holiday