“Self-interest stimulates behavior.” Wayne Pryor paraphrasing a principle of the Egoism theory.
As some of you who are regular readers know, not so very long ago I thought I was facing a marriage crisis. At one point I hit such a low I was ready to throw in the towel entirely. Thankfully I didn’t stay at that point very long.
It wasn’t anything I did, per se, to move me from that point. It was more something I had: self-interest.
Egoism
Back in college Wayne took a class where the principle of Egoism was discussed. In a nutshell, Egoism stipulates that people act in ways that motivate them. By motivate I mean acting in ways based upon what they perceive as being in their best interest to get, achieve, or have.
Keeping my marriage was in my best interest. I sent out a cry for help and it was heard. Not just by friends but by my own heart. It screamed, “Don’t you dare think about giving up on your marriage! Not now. Not after all the love you two have shared. This is just a bad time. Focus on all the good ones.”
Taking the Negative Blinders Off and Putting the Positive Under the Microscope
So I kept doing that. Finding reasons why I loved him to start with and why I still loved him now.
Friends also offered their support and reassurance that Wayne loved me very much. That he’d be devastated if he knew how bad I was hurting and our relationship fell apart.
Outsider perspectives helped. They could have just as easily said, “Oh that good for nothing Wayne. I can’t believe you didn’t dump him years ago.” But they reminded me of some of his good qualities that I’d turned a blind eye too.
A Heart-to-Heart Q&A Session
I also asked myself some hard questions. Such as:
1) Can I live with this behavior? Since it’s ongoing and I can’t correct it, then it’s not likely to be changeable. But can I accept it as a part of him and love him despite the flaw? Or is it something that goes against my principles and I’m just not willing to compromise on?
2) How would I feel if he died? Granted, I had a little help with this one from a motorist who wasn’t paying attention one morning. And, yes, it sounds morbid but I‘ll tell you…it certainly was effective in waking me up to something very important: that my heart could barely stand imagining him gone. And how unbearable would be the pain if it became a reality….
3) If I tell him how I’m feeling, am I expecting a certain reaction? If I don’t get it am I going to be disappointed? More importantly, can I live with it if it’s not the “right” reaction? Turns out, when I really poured my heart open to him about how distraught I felt, his response exceeded my expectations. And when there came a chance for him to step up in the future, he did so in spades.
Question to Readers
Will any of these help you work through your next rough time? Conversely, if you’ve survived a rough time, what helped you get through it?
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