“At least you don’t have to deal with the ‘maternity forty’!” chirped a colleague while I waiting for my third child’s arrival from Korea.
Adoptive parents frequently hear comments like, “Oh, you’re doing it the easy way”. Now, having had a difficult pregnancy myself, I’m inclined to agree that MY adoption process wasn’t as difficult as my pregnancy. But I was blessed to have had the choice both to conceive and to adopt. Remember that many adoptive parents have been dealing with the grief of infertility. They often feel that their dreams of a family are at the mercy of doctors, social workers, domestic or foreign bureaucracies, or birthparents.
If you know someone who is adopting, please keep in mind that although they will certainly feel lucky when their child arrives, they may not feel lucky at all points in the process. Indeed, even the above statement about gaining weight is more applicable to adoptive parents than you may think. The adoption process is very stressful. Infertility and becoming a mother can impact a woman’s body image whether she has given birth or not. Even post-partum depression is not uncommon among adoptive parents.
Often adoptive parents feel less able to ask for help than other parents. After all, we actively pursued parenting, and in fact had to convince several people that we would be good at it. Sometimes we feel reluctant to let it be known that we need help—either out of embarrassment, shame, a feeling that something is wrong with us (and we can’t even blame it all on hormones) or even out of fear that needing help will impact the finalization of the adoption.
If you are a waiting adoptive parent, be good to yourself. Exercise. In addition to stress relief, many adoptive parents wish they had gotten their bodies in shape for carrying a baby (or older child). Their bodies have not gradually become accustomed to carrying more weight in the way a pregnant woman’s body has. Get sleep. Put some meals in the freezer.
If your child is already here, don’t feel bad if you experience a letdown after the intensity of the placement process, shock at how hard it is to care for a child who also has experienced a separation, or general depression. You have just had a major change in your life.
Take some time to cocoon at home with your new child. See this blog on taking a “Babymoon”. We tried to do this with each new family member’s arrival, whether by marriage, birth or adoption and regardless of age. (Okay, it didn’t work when our last child arrived the week before the first child started kindergarten. But the effort helps.)
Relax housekeeping standards. Sleep when your child sleeps. (Remember a child adopting from another country or even another state may be on a different time schedule.)
Many communities offer resources for getting out with your baby. Many community centers offer “indoor playgrounds” for children under five. You can meet other parents while watching the children play in a gym with balls, trikes, tumbling mats, small slides, push toys, wagons and more. Some movie theaters now offer morning showings just for moms and babies. They leave the lights slightly up so you can see, and turn the volume down. (Cry rooms in theaters are also a good choice, but sometimes the sound is too loud for a baby.) You can look into exercise classes such as Stroller Striders, which are designed for parents who bring their children.
Just taking a walk may be the outlet you need. (I used to think that I would reward myself with a walk when I had done a certain amount of laundry, writing or whatever each day. After a while I realized that I could reach late afternoon crabby and with nothing done, or I could put exercise first. The baby liked being outdoors also.)
It is very important for your child and family that you take care of yourself. This blog on Post-Partum Depression includes some suggestions for self-care.
Please also see these related blogs: