There’s a strange and awful place that we sometimes have to go when we have a child with a developmental delay or chronic illness. It’s like a halfway point between two doorways: The “everything’s going to be alright” doorway, and the “my world and my child’s world is shattered” doorway. And we stand there, in limbo, waiting to see which one will open.
The Agony of Waiting
We find ourselves in this in-between place when we’re waiting for the doctor to call with results from our child’s blood test or biopsy. Or when we’re waiting to hear the psychiatrist’s analysis, or a decision from the school administration about how our child’s latest misbehavior will be handled. We’re in that place when we wait for DNA test results or while we consider a possible divorce. Uncertainty and worry can be the worst forms of torture.
I’ve been there numerous times. I remember taking my oldest son to the ophthalmologist not long ago because he was starting to see strange blurry blobs in his line of vision. “Mom, I can’t see very well. Everything is out of focus.” Because he’s a diabetic, I secretly researched diabetic retinopathy, and was deeply troubled by what I learned. What my son was describing seemed to be exactly the same symptoms outlined on the internet. Was my son losing his vision? Would diabetes cause him to go blind?
We sat in the dark examination room while the doctor checked my boy’s eyes. I remember feeling an overwhelming sense of fear and dread in those moments, which stretched on forever. It was absolutely silent. I thought I could hear my own heart beating as the doctor seemed to be observing something that concerned him. For a very long time he stooped over, engrossed in his examination, occasionally saying, “Hmmmmm.” In the meantime, my imagination was my enemy. Yet on that occasion, everything turned out to be fine.
You’re Stronger Than You Know
There have been many other times when I’ve been in that terrible state of fear and limbo, including some with less desirable outcomes. For example, I remember waiting for Kyle’s diagnosis with autism when he was two. And I remember waiting for the doctor’s office to call with the news that my oldest son had to be hospitalized. I also recall waiting to find out if I really was going to be a divorced mother with four small children, waiting to hear how my infant son’s surgery had gone, and waiting to learn whether all of my boys had a mysterious syndrome of some sort. Sometimes the result was door number one, and sometimes it was door number two. But either way, it was often the waiting that was worse than receiving the news, even when it was bad.
Looking back on those occasions, I will say that things rarely turned out to be as awful as the “what ifs” that my mind conjured up. And even when life was terrible for a time, I didn’t give myself enough credit–I didn’t have enough faith in my ability to handle whatever challenges came along. I am so much stronger than I ever knew. We all have a warrior inside us. And life tends to turn the tables and reward our efforts in the long run. Worry and fear is a part of life, but it needn’t rule.
Kristyn Crow is the author of this blog. Visit her website by clicking here. Some links on this blog may have been generated by outside sources are not necessarily endorsed by Kristyn Crow.
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