Okay, I admit it—although I agree that it’s best to talk about issues rather than stick your head in the sand, it’s awfully hard to put that into practice with my own kids!
I’ve heard lots of people say that our kids hear remarks about race and/or adoption that they don’t tell us about—but of course, my daughter and I are so close that she would naturally tell me right away, right?
I feared that if we did a whole big presentation on adoption at the beginning of the school year—as some experts advise–we’d make it into a bigger deal than it was and set Meg apart unnecessarily.
Last week a school parent asked our caregiver if the kids knew they were adopted. (Keep in mind this is a transracial adoption—even at their age it would hard for them not to know.) Our caregiver answered yes, they talk about it a lot at home, it’s no big problem. The mother told her she brought it up because she’d heard some kids asking Meg if she was adopted and Meg didn’t seem to know what to say.
I was more taken aback by Meg’s reaction when I asked about it. First she said she didn’t remember being asked, then she said she had but didn’t want to say who had asked. Then she said “actually, Mom, I’m going to tell you a secret.” Then she came around the table and whispered in my ear, “Alice asked me if I was adopted, and Angus too.”
“What did you say?” I inquired.
“I ignored them.”
“That’s fine. You can ignore them. It’s also okay to say yes if you want to. It’s okay to tell people about it—it’s your choice.”
I was most surprised at her Meg’s intensity around keeping this seemingly simple exchange a secret, since we’ve talked matter-of-factly about her adoption many times.
The next week a mother approached my husband to tell him that the kids in the class were asking Meg not only about adoption, but about her “real” mother, and neither Meg nor the teacher seemed to know what to do.
This teacher has known me for several years, has taught my son, and moreover has been meeting with and emailing me frequently about Meg’s auditory processing diagnosis. We’d also talked a bit about adoption, so I was a bit surprised she hadn’t told me this happened. Then again, I never told her what to say or when to notify me. Perhaps she thought we didn’t want to talk about it with Meg.
I initially asked Meg if she wanted me to come in and talk to her class about adoption. Not surprisingly, she said no. But I think there is a need now and I will come anyway. I haven’t talked to the teacher yet. I am wondering if it will be best to talk to the class when Meg isn’t there, or if that would just make it seem that adoption really isn’t something you can discuss with an adopted person around.
So, whether it was right or not to wait until a need to discuss things came up, apparently that time is now come. And for all my research and writing, I feel unprepared. I skimmed through half a dozen kids’ books on adoption looking for something to read to the class, but none of them seemed just right, so I’m still looking. I’ve ordered a booklet on adoption for educators and also a workbook designed to help children practice how they want to handle questions. I’ll review both of these in future blogs. For now I’m stumped as to exactly what I’ll do at the school….but stay tuned for the rest of the story.
Please see these related blogs:
Things All Children Should Know About Adoption
Book Review: Inside Transracial Adoption