Things may be going along nicely in your co-parenting relationship; you may have worked out a communication style that suits the both of you, you might even get along with your ex’s new partner and everyone seems content and well-adjusted. Suddenly, without warning, tempers flare and you find yourself in and power struggle or dealing with long-buried old issues that have shown up again. What can you do to diffuse the situation?
I have learned to expect “flare-ups” during times of stress or transition—when the kids entered high school, for example, or with the current graduations. Any time you are going to go into those stressful places with your ex—talk about money, renegotiate custody or there are major life changes going on at one house or the other (new jobs, partner troubles, etc.) it can be a prime situation for a power struggle. Even if you can intellectually understand why it is happening, it might not make it any easier to deal with.
The reason it can get nasty so quickly is that our exes know just the buttons to push and just the things to say that can be immediate triggers. Ten years of therapy and happiness can go out the window with a few choice words. It can take all we have just to rein things in and keep it from getting crazy.
We should still be able to set limits and boundaries and protect ourselves, but at the same time it is important that we do not use old triggers and information to wound or hurt the other parent. It takes two to tango and this means that there are generally two people getting stressed and tense to make a power struggle (that is why it is called a struggle, after all.) Take a break, step away and do what can you keep your cool before you say something to regret. What if the other person won’t walk away or leave the struggle? You can still refuse to argue or participate and can simply leave. This does not mean that you are giving up, you are just choosing peace over a battle.