Tag Archives: discussions with children

My Experiences with, “You’re not my real mother!”

My last review was of the book You’re Not My REAL Mother! I think most adoptive parents hear this at some point. Unfortunately, it is often hurled at a parent by a teen or “tween”-aged child casting about for anything that will get our goat. I think we’re lucky if we get hit with this while our kids are young. That shows that our kids are able to express to us any doubts they may have. And they may be more willing to listen to our replies. I dreaded the phrase and imagined that hearing it must be excruciatingly painful. … Continue reading →

Birds, Bees, and Fish: Sometimes the Topic Arises Earlier for Adopted Kids

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I really hadn’t planned to talk about reproduction with Meg for quite a while yet. I guess I should have anticipated that knowing she had a birthmother and a foster mother before we became her parents would spark some questions like, “What exactly makes someone a birth parent, exactly, if “birth parent” does not refer to the people who are actually parenting her?” At some point the topic of skin color came up and Meg heard that it came from your parents. Since this obviously didn’t mesh with her experience, I had told her that it came from her birth … Continue reading →

Reading and Thinking about Birthmothers

Reviewing all these adoption books has got me wondering. I’ve always read adoption books to the kids, but not ones that focus on birthmothers as much as the ones I’ve been reading lately. Over and over I read interviews with adopted teens and adults saying that they were curious about their birthparents and longed to talk about them, but their adoptive parents didn’t seem open and/or the kids feared hurting the adopted parents’ feelings. Social workers now seem to counsel parents to speak openly about birthparents. Recently a spate of books dealing with birthparents have been published, such as Mommy … Continue reading →

Talking About Tough Issues: Abandonment

Some adoptive parents are very distressed to learn that their child was abandoned. They believe that this means the birthmother did not love the child. It is certainly difficult to think of a beloved child left alone, but remember that when it is the only option, abandonment does not have the negative connotations it has in this country. In the case of international adoption, often a country does not have a formal system for placing children for adoption. In these countries “abandonment” does not imply that the child was found in a dumpster. “Abandoned” babies in these countries are usually … Continue reading →