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Talking About Tough Issues: Abandonment

Some adoptive parents are very distressed to learn that their child was abandoned. They believe that this means the birthmother did not love the child. It is certainly difficult to think of a beloved child left alone, but remember that when it is the only option, abandonment does not have the negative connotations it has in this country.

In the case of international adoption, often a country does not have a formal system for placing children for adoption. In these countries “abandonment” does not imply that the child was found in a dumpster. “Abandoned” babies in these countries are usually left at hospitals, on the steps of police stations, or even in designated spots outside orphanages. These are signs that the birth family wanted the child to be safe and found quickly. Babies may also be left in busy marketplaces where they may be quickly found. Often a birth family member hides nearby to make sure the child is safe until found. Sometimes notes are attached to the baby’s clothing speaking of the mother’s love.

If nothing is known about the birthparents, talk about circumstances such as poverty, cultural biases, immature thinking, etc. that can lead to birthparents giving up a child. Many international adoptees have found new understanding and peace through visits to the birth country. Even if they do not meet their birthparents, they have a new understanding of the challenges they may have faced. Some adoption agencies even arrange tours where teen adoptees meet with residents of unwed mothers’ homes. These let adoptees see that most birthmothers care about their babies, and lets residents who have placed their babies for adoption have the peace of seeing adoptees who have turned out reasonably well.

In the case of abandonment in the U.S., there may be drug abuse clouding the birthparent’s thinking. Sometimes the birthmother has managed to delude herself into not accepting the pregnancy, then panics. Tell the child that his birthmother’s behavior was not okay, because all children deserve better. But don’t assume the birthmother was totally cold with no redeeming qualities. Tell the child she probably made good and bad choices, like many of us.

Please see these related blogs:

She Just Abandoned Me!

Chinese Birthparents Found: More to Come?

The “Baby Moses Law”

In the Chill of Midwinter

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About Pam Connell

Pam Connell is a mother of three by both birth and adoption. She has worked in education, child care, social services, ministry and journalism. She resides near Seattle with her husband Charles and their three children. Pam is currently primarily a Stay-at-Home-Mom to Patrick, age 8, who was born to her; Meg, age 6, and Regina, age 3, who are biological half-sisters adopted from Korea. She also teaches preschoolers twice a week and does some writing. Her activities include volunteer work at school, church, Cub Scouts and a local Birth to Three Early Intervention Program. Her hobbies include reading, writing, travel, camping, walking in the woods, swimming and scrapbooking. Pam is a graduate of Seattle University and Gonzaga University. Her fields of study included journalism, religious education/pastoral ministry, political science and management. She served as a writer and editor of the college weekly newspaper and has been Program Coordinator of a Family Resource Center and Family Literacy Program, Volunteer Coordinator at a church, Religion Teacher, Preschool Teacher, Youth Ministry Coordinator, Camp Counselor and Nanny. Pam is an avid reader and continuing student in the areas of education, child development, adoption and public policy. She is eager to share her experiences as a mother by birth and by international adoption, as a mother of three kids of different learning styles and personalities, as a mother of kids of different races, and most of all as a mom of three wonderful kids!