Some adoptive parents are very distressed to learn that their child was abandoned. They believe that this means the birthmother did not love the child. It is certainly difficult to think of a beloved child left alone, but remember that when it is the only option, abandonment does not have the negative connotations it has in this country.
In the case of international adoption, often a country does not have a formal system for placing children for adoption. In these countries “abandonment” does not imply that the child was found in a dumpster. “Abandoned” babies in these countries are usually left at hospitals, on the steps of police stations, or even in designated spots outside orphanages. These are signs that the birth family wanted the child to be safe and found quickly. Babies may also be left in busy marketplaces where they may be quickly found. Often a birth family member hides nearby to make sure the child is safe until found. Sometimes notes are attached to the baby’s clothing speaking of the mother’s love.
If nothing is known about the birthparents, talk about circumstances such as poverty, cultural biases, immature thinking, etc. that can lead to birthparents giving up a child. Many international adoptees have found new understanding and peace through visits to the birth country. Even if they do not meet their birthparents, they have a new understanding of the challenges they may have faced. Some adoption agencies even arrange tours where teen adoptees meet with residents of unwed mothers’ homes. These let adoptees see that most birthmothers care about their babies, and lets residents who have placed their babies for adoption have the peace of seeing adoptees who have turned out reasonably well.
In the case of abandonment in the U.S., there may be drug abuse clouding the birthparent’s thinking. Sometimes the birthmother has managed to delude herself into not accepting the pregnancy, then panics. Tell the child that his birthmother’s behavior was not okay, because all children deserve better. But don’t assume the birthmother was totally cold with no redeeming qualities. Tell the child she probably made good and bad choices, like many of us.
Please see these related blogs:
Chinese Birthparents Found: More to Come?