The key message here is that birthparents probably love their children, but some have reasons why they just cannot keep a child safe.
For preschoolers: “Your birthparents probably loved you, but they couldn’t keep you safe. All children need parents who can keep them safe, so that’s why you came to grow up with us.”
Talking About physical abuse:
For early elementary-age children, or a child who remembers being abused: “Do you ever feel angry with your friends or with Mommy and Daddy (siblings, etc.)…sometimes you yell and hit even though you love us. But you are learning not to hit. Some people don’t learn that. Your birthparents probably didn’t have parents who could teach them ways to be angry without hurting people. But it’s never okay for an adult to hit a child. Children deserve to be safe, no matter what. That’s why you came to us.”
Perhaps in a later conversation, if relevant to the child’s history: “I think your birthmother probably loved you and wanted you to be safe, even though she couldn’t keep you safe. Some people don’t know how to ask for help, so they leave clues. When your birthmother hit you, it was on a part of your body that your teachers (neighbors, grandparents) could see. I think maybe she wanted other people to know you needed help.”
Talking about sexual abuse:
“You know that some touches feel good and some feel bad. Some people don’t learn how to control themselves and touch others only where it’s appropriate. Maybe your birthparents were touched wrong by their own parents. They are probably glad you are in a safe place where you can grow up learning how to stay safe and not hurt other people.”
“Adults shouldn’t touch children’s private parts, except for wiping or putting medicine on a baby. It’s not the child’s fault if they do this, even if the child said it was okay. It’s the adult’s job to know what’s okay. I think maybe your birthfather knew it was wrong because he told you to keep it a secret. You were right to tell so that you could be kept safe and your birthfather could go somewhere to learn that he can’t do this to other children.”
Please see these related blogs:
Book Review: Making Sense of Adoption by Lois Ruskai Melina
The Violence to Young Children Continues