Today, I spent a lot of the day in the hospital with my daughter. We were visiting a family member who has cancer. I had mixed feelings about taking my daughter, mostly because I knew that others would be around who might be upset about her questions about death. It’s hard to stop a four-year-old from asking questions, even if they aren’t socially appropriate at that particular time.
Everything went well. We came with a small gift she had made, she went for a little walk around the hospital, and I chatted. I know that at some point, our relative will pass away. This will lead to many questions, since this will be the first death that my daughter is able to understand in any way.
I’ve talked to my daughter about death, and she knows that one day she will die and that one day I will die. She knows of people who have died, and she knows that means that they are no longer walking, talking, and breathing. I’ve also talked with her a little bit about what I think happens after you die. Surprisingly, she hasn’t seemed overly concerned about the whole discussion. For someone who is going through a second round of separation anxiety and struggling with empathy, the idea of endings doesn’t seem to make her worried. Yet, I don’t know how she will ultimately work through the death of our family member and the upcoming death of two of our pets.
I have some good books about endings. The Next Place by Warren Hanson is a lovely book that is very open-ended and describes what might happen after death. Cat Heaven by Cynthia Rylant is a book that is specific to pets, and it posits that there is a heaven that pets go to when they pass away. We also have books about endings that are a new beginning: When the Wind Stops by Charlotte Zolotow is one that we read at the changing of seasons.
Do you talk with your children about death? What have you said? Are you afraid of the discussion? What resources have you used?