The best protection from sexual assault that we can offer our children is to combine clear protective behavior skills with sexuality education. Previous blogs on the BITSS model of protective play covered different games to play for aiding skill development. However, sexuality? Isn’t that the same thing as protective behaviors? No.
Many people simplify sexuality by assuming that it is about partner choice: heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, or transsexual. This is only a small part of sexuality. Anna Freud (daughter of Sigmund Freud) beautifully quoted the difference by stating, “Sex is what we do, sexuality is who we are.” Who we are includes our tastes, our preferences, our body shape, our thoughts, our beliefs, our values. Who we are is the way we walk, the way we smile, the way we cry. Who we are is the way we accept ourselves and those around us.
Children begin learning about sexuality from the day they are born. As we guide our children and help them to become the best person they can be we are developing their sexuality. We do the best we can but we also are influenced by the world around us. Our sexuality, affects upon our children’s sexuality. If we’re uncomfortable with our own sexuality, we may pass this to our children.
It is important that we provide our children with positive messages about sexuality. Without it, we may leave our children wide open to predators that zero in on confusion or a disjointed sense of who our children really are. Although many parents remain embarrassed to talk about sexuality development (how babies are made, pregnancy, differences between male and female, body shapes, ages, etc), research has suggested that children who receive sexuality education from an early age:
• Understand, and accept with confidence, physical and emotional changes,
• Feel positive about their bodies,
• Appreciate and accept individual differences,
• Are more likely to make informed and responsible sexual decisions in later life,
• Feel good about themselves as male or female
• Are capable of communicating about sexual matters
• Understand appropriate and inappropriate behavior, and
• Are less vulnerable to exploitation and sexual abuse.
Our children grow up bombarded with negative sexual messages: television, music, advertising, marketing, comments from friends and family. Without sexuality discussion, these messages may shape children toward a clone of society and constipate them in their development of self. The constant media exposure helps our children to internalize that sex and gender are commodities: tools to get something. Unfortunately, without open family discussion, our children also often internalize that sex and sexuality are a joke and that it’s normal to make derogatory and stereotypical jokes about it. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.
Next time you may be tempted to make a negative body image comment, think again. There may be little ears listening. Rather than pick on what you may think are your faults, make a positive comment about another part of your body. About to tell a blonde or male joke? Think again. Instead, make a positive comment about blonde-haired women or men. Remember the role you have to play in reversing the strength of the media and in strengthening the sexuality development of your child.
And the hard questions? When your child starts asking about sexuality, instead of being embarrassed, throw a party. Congratulations. You have given out the message that it’s okay to discuss this stuff.
But…how to answer????? Keep your answers simple and honest. If you make an excuse to not answer, you are reinforcing that the topic is off limits. If you’re worried about giving developmentally appropriate information, check out why your child is asking the question. Try saying, “What made you think of that?” or “You must be growing up, do you like talking about….now?” Not only will this buy you time to formulate an answer it may also give you a tip on just how much information to give. My nine-year-old asked, “Where do people have sex?” My answer included the table as a possible place. When she asked, horrified, “Where do you put your legs?”, I was tempted to go into a further explanation of sexual positions. However, a developmentally appropriate warning bell sounded and thankfully, I asked a strategy question. “My goodness,” I said, “What led to asking such a grown up question?” The child simply replied that if someone had their feet on her table she was not going to eat off it until it had been disinfected. I assured her that there had been no sexual activity on the dining room table and she happily ran outside to play.
Parents really worry about how much information to give. By sharing stories of how you tackle talking about sexuality issues in your family, you may help another parent. Who’s going to be first?