Ah, triggers—we’ve all got them and there is something inherent about parenting that ensures our kids will figure out our triggers and use them to their advantages from a very early age. For a single parent, however, we often have some additional issues with triggers—especially if we are still dealing with some unfinished business. Our child may remind us of our ex, or situations and circumstances may come up that bring up old hurts and difficult times. One of the challenges for a single parent is to learn how to tame those triggers and keep from letting our children and “old stuff” keep us from being able to function well in the present.
The way I have learned to deal with the “unreasonable” triggers—those thing that really are rearing up from the past that need to be put to bed—is to bring myself back to the present. I have to remind myself that my child is NOT my ex and that today is not a repeat of yesterday. We really can hold ourselves back by staying stuck in old patterns.
Identify what is going on for you and what exactly those triggers are—this is the first important step. Often we might not even know that our child’s tantrums seem like repeats of our old life, old partner or old spouse and, until we acknowledge that, we can’t really begin to change our responses.
Finally, I’ve found that if I find new ways of reacting or responding to old triggers, it tends to neutralize the situation all together. After all, I’m the one holding on to this old baggage. As a single parent, I have been given the gift of starting over and even if my children inevitably have some mannerisms and character traits that remind of “the bygone days”—I can come up with a new way of looking at things and a new way of responding.
Also: Trying to Stay Neutral