The fact is, we don’t always like our children’s friends. There, I’ve said it. Before I was a parent, I swore I was going to be nonjudgmental and hands-off when it came to letting my children choose their own friends and playmates. I have remained “almost” true to my pre-parenting promise, but I did learn that children don’t always naturally know how to be and choose good friends and that friendship is something we parents have a role in teaching too.
There is a great deal of trial and error in the socialization of a child. Our kids probably learn more from inappropriate friends and relationships in their growing-up years, than they do from the soul mates and the easy relationships that go swimmingly. This doesn’t mean, as parents, that we have to just let anyone into the inner circle of our child–but it may serve us better to act as interested advisor and guide than to pick and choose our child’s friends for them.
We can teach our children what makes a good friend by modeling our own “friendship” behaviors. We can talk to them about what we look for in a friend and share with them why we might end or terminate a friendship. Let your kids know why you have the best friends you do and share your own experiences with inappropriate friendships, or people who you thought were your friends who turned out to be “bad news.” Kids will listen. I’ve found that my kids respond better to my talking about friends and peer issues with them than just about any other topic.
You can also help your child process things that happen in his or her own life–helping him to evaluate when he gets his feelings hurt, or when someone does something particularly caring or hurtful. This way, your child can learn from his mistakes and be able to make increasingly solid choices about friendship–both in terms of choosing and being a good friend.
Also: Children Can Learn to Be Kind
Teaching Kids About Spreading Rumors
Pointing Out Behaviors in Other Kids You LIKE