The other morning, I was up early and snuck in to my daughter’s room to retrieve my hair brush from her bathroom–peeking in first to see that she was still asleep. As I reached the bathroom door, I heard her bark, “What are you doing coming in here like you own the place?” My initial instinct was to bark back, “Well, I do!” but, in fact, her indignation that I might behave as if I did was enough to make me see the absolute humor and “teenageness” of the situation. Teenagers really are all about separateness and independence–regardless of how childish they may act at times.
In fact, teenagers really do need privacy. While they may not be able to explain why, it is an important and age-appropriate developmental step. One of the major tasks of the adolescent is to separate herself from her parents and define her own identity as a separate individual. It can seem as if anyone and anything is an intrusion on this process. Teenagers do need time to think and process and they are attempting to create tangible boundaries in order to nurture their own identities.
For some of us parents, this seemingly sudden request for privacy can come as a shock, and trigger some very strong reactions in ourselves. Suddenly we are coming up against shut doors and locked locks. I had to make a concerted effort to teach myself to not only knock on those shut doors, but wait for the answer on the other side of the door. Where I had once been able to roam into every crook and corner of my home without barrier, I initially felt as though I was a guest in my own home. With three older teenagers, I’ve now grown used to the upstairs hall of shut bedroom and bathroom doors. I may not be particularly happy about it, but I understand that we are in this process of growing up and separating together and this “privacy thing” is another way for us to build trust, adjust to our changing relationships, and evolve.
I think parents may need to examine their own issues and triggers around privacy when kids enter the privacy years. Do we fear the distancing from our children? Are we experiencing a lack of trust? Is it a power issue for us to be able to go and do as we please in our own houses? Is it bringing up “old baggage” for us from our own childhood? Digging in to our own feelings will likely help us in our parenting. It may help to think of this newfound insistence on privacy as a transition period– an opportunity for us to ease into accepting the separateness of our children and begin learning to treat them as individuals who are deserving of our trust and respect (regardless of how infantile they may act some days!). How we respond to their request for privacy can be a chance for us to model respectful, adult behavior and let them know that we appreciate their struggle for independence and space. They really are growing toward independence and separation and we parents are going to have to adjust and accept that. It might be easier to do it gradually, with care and respect, and use the teenage years as a way for both of us to move through this transition as our relationship changes.