I didn’t create the situation. This is the argument many of us use when we are confronted with a difficult situation with our spouse or partner. We assign the blame of where the difficulty originated. In some cases, this may be a valid necessity to resolving the problem. In many other cases, it is just a way of escalating an argument.
Let’s consider the following disagreement between a couple – the man kept a secret. His reasons for keeping the secret are numerous, but ultimately it boiled down to he didn’t want to argue with his wife. The secret involved maintaining a friendship with a person his wife truly disliked and with whom there had been many disagreements in the past.
A Secret or A Lie?
The problem with secrets is that they have a tendency to become lies. A secret is considered a secret because you keep the knowledge to yourself. More often as not when two people live together keeping a secret will involve a lie. The idea that just not telling someone something is not a lie – is false. A lie of omission is still a lie.
When one part of a couple keeps a secret for any length of time from their partner and that secret is found out – it will cause an issue of trust. Now, I am not talking about keeping a present or a surprise birthday party a secret. These are not secrets that are kept to prevent harm, but to ensure a modicum of delight when the surprise is revealed.
Creating an Irreparable Problem
When a secret is kept and that secret is revealed, issues of trust come into question. Hands down, the most important facet of a couple’s relationship is their ability to trust each other. Lies and secrets damage the trust between couples and repairing trust is considerably harder than learning to trust in the first place.
Trust is a leap of faith. For many of us, trust requires real effort to bridge the gap of fear that exists when you trust a person. When that bridge is damaged, attacked or even demolished – restructuring it takes more than just a leap of faith – it takes a conscious will to overcome the fear that is now a reality.
There is an old saying – fool me once, shame on you – fool me twice, shame on me. When we have had our ability to trust another person damaged, we may not have created the situation – but we are now immersed in the situation. Learning how to trust a spouse or a partner will take time and effort. The two key things to remember here is the affection you feel for the other person and whether you honestly believe the reason for their lie or break of faith will happen again.
How Do We Rebuild Trust?
Rebuilding trust is not something that can come easily to anyone. When it comes to figuring out how to do it – there is no one unique formula. Trust must be built from the inside of a relationship. It must be developed and it must be nurtured – much as the beginning of a relationship in the first place. Rebuilding trust requires both parties to participate – it requires a lot of conversation and communication.
I wish resolving issues of trust and belief in each other were easier to work out – but they aren’t. Every person comes to their relationship as a product of their different life experiences. The person who has experienced great trust and value in their life may repair their relationship trust easier than the person who has known great mistrust and disharmony in their relationships – will not recover so easily.
How do you handle issues of trust and disagreement with your spouse?