Earlier today, I wrote about how a single parent can initially face the challenges of trying to stay neutral in regards to your child’s other parent. Tips like talking to the other parent directly about concerns, and taking time to settle down and process before confrontation have been helpful to me. In part two of this series on the challenges of staying neutral, I wanted to talk about ways we can work with our children and prepare them for handling issues instead of feeling like they always need to bring them to us.
This situation has been very real for me–while I am happy that my children have me to talk to and feel as though they can bring any problem or concern to me, it can be especially tough when they are using me as a sounding board for things that are going on at the other house. Since they feel as though they cannot say anything over there or that their concerns “won’t be heard”–they bring them to me. This makes it incredibly hard for me to stay neutral and out of the business of their other parent, step-parent and household. As they are getting older, I have been working more and more with them to help them learn how to solve problems and address things at the other house–without bringing it all to me.
Of course, with a very young child, you will need to be more involved but even then, you can start to teach the child how to address problems to those who are concerned: “I hear that you were upset about what happened–is there anything you feel you can say to Daddy to tell him how you feel?” You can also offer suggestions such as, “Hmm…I think if I was in your shoes, I might have…” Of course, staying objective and neutral is helpful–this isn’t a carte blanche to teach the child to tell off the other parent or step-parent, instead, imagine how you would want the child to talk to you or share concerns and see if you can teach him to talk to the other parent that way too.
You may never feel as though you can feel and be completely neutral with the ex or the child’s other parent, but the more you can remain compassionate and somewhat detached–AND the more you can teach the child how to address things on his or her own, the more you might be able to at least appear to be neutral.