Most expectant parents try to imagine what their child will be like, and what they may grow up to become. It is no different for parents expecting a child by adoption. During the time from completing the home study and waiting for a match adoptive parents, tend to have a lot of time for daydreaming.
It is easy to imagine the sweet little girl with the big brown eyes, helping mom make beds in the morning. Then getting dressed in her cute little skirt for a day of school without any arguments. We have visions of our child sitting on daddy’s lap each evening as he reads the bedtime story. We imagine the teacher telling us about how much improvement she has made since becoming a member of “your family.” We can’t wait for the laughter and excitement when we take that first trip to Disneyland. Daydreaming about all the ways our family will change is fun and exciting but most of all a very healthy, normal part of anticipating the placement of a child.
Generally, children are added to families by birth. The majority of people still think of adoption as the loving placement of a newborn–selflessly given by a birthmother shortly following the birth of her baby. With very young children, the adjustment time is shorter and may come with great ease for the parents. With a school-aged child removed from a home filled with neglect and abuse, the situation is complex and very different.
Many parents who adopt older children express feelings of surprise about how different the experience is from the one they imagined. It is very common for parents adopting a school aged child to suffer from Post Adoption Depression (PAD), early and before the adoption is final. The realities of the day-to-day life are generally not, what we expected.
Some Adoptive parents of older children express these feelings as a form of grief over the loss of the fantasy child they had imagined. Recognizing the fact that our child is not, “what we expected,” happens more rapidly when they come to us walking and talking. Most parents see their fantasy child disappear over time as their baby grows up and develops. Adopting an older child causes parents to face this loss quickly and deal with the grief for their fantasy child before they can begin to bond and attach to the real child they find calling them mommy and daddy.
My next several blogs will discuss how and why adoptive parents of older children develop an unrealistic fantasy child and ways to overcome the grief of not seeing the child we expected.
Other Parts of the Series “The Fantasy Child”
- The Pictures and Profile
- Parental Expectations
- The Child’s Expectations
- Avoiding Problems with Expectations and Daydreams.
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Special Needs and Adoption-Related Terms:
A | B | C | D | E-F | G-H-I | J-K-L | M | N-O | P | Q-R | S | T-U-V-W-X-Y-Z
For more information about parenting special needs children you might want to visit the Families.com Special Needs Blog and the Mental Health Blog. Or visit my personal website.