Sometimes parenting is like standing in a dark room, feeling around for the light switch.
This week I received a phone call from my stepdaughter *Cassidy’s teacher. An incident had occurred at school involving two little frog erasers. The teacher said that another girl in Cassidy’s fifth grade class found her beloved erasers missing, along with a sinister note, “HA HA I TOOK YOUR FROGS.” The frogs were later found in Cassidy’s desk. When questioned by several teachers, Cassidy couldn’t deny that she’d taken the frogs (having been caught “red-desked”) but insisted she had NOT written the note. The teacher also reported that on this same day, Cassidy had turned in a permission slip to use school computers with my (and my husband’s) signature obviously forged on it. Heavy sigh.
Wicked Stepmother Syndrome
We’ve had ongoing problems with Cassidy and dishonesty, and I’m seeing a pattern. For some reason, she is willing to admit to a portion of what happened, but vehemently denies the rest, even when the truth is so painfully obvious. For example, who except the frog thief would leave the “HA HA I TOOK YOUR FROGS” note? Yet Cassidy sobbed when I refused to believe she hadn’t written it. She tearfully insisted that I “never believe her even when she tells the truth.” I was transformed into the wicked stepmother who had nothing better to do but accuse her falsely.
Facing the Issue
We drove to Cassidy’s school, just the two of us, to meet with her teacher. It was a warm day, but Cassidy put on a hooded sweatshirt, and tugged the hood forward as far as possible to hide. “Everybody picks on me,” she said. “That’s why I do this stuff, ‘cause everybody in my class is so mean.” This was difficult to believe, since Cassidy is about as vulnerable to bullying as an angry grizzly bear. In most cases in our home, she is the one bullying everyone else.
Sitting across from her teacher, I stated, “Cassidy told me she feels that the children are mean to her in class,”
“No I didn’t!” Cassidy said.
“Oh?” I said. “I thought you told me that on the drive over.”
“No!”
The teacher was very diplomatic, and asked Cassidy if anyone were bullying her at school. Cassidy said no. The teacher asked if there was anyone who bothered her or made her feel uncomfortable. Cassidy named a couple of names. The teacher said she could come talk to her anytime she felt uncomfortable or unhappy. But she added that she still expected Cassidy to be honest at all times, and to never take things that didn’t belong to her.
Coming Clean
On the drive home, I asked Cassidy why she had taken the frogs. She looked me right in the eye, with a pained expression. “I really don’t know,” she said.
“And…are you ready to be honest now about the note?”
“Yes,” she said. “I wrote it.” It was a strangely emotionless statement considering the horrible outburst earlier.
It was the “HA HA” note that bothered me most. Seeing the frogs, wanting them, and snatching them was one thing, but it was another thing for her to take the time to write a taunting note, to purposely hurt the victim’s feelings. This was not a student Cassidy had an ongoing rivalry with. From what I understood, they barely knew each other.
Consequences
I began to wonder whether all this was another example of negative reaction addiction. Did Cassidy need the negative reactions of others to feel valued in some backwards way? We’d gone for quite some time without problems at school, and maybe she was beginning to feel ignored. It was hard to know what kind of discipline to use in this situation. We were, after all, talking about two frog erasers. Yet it was the principle of the thing.
“I’m really sorry, Mom,” she said. We had a good hug.
The school decided that Cassidy could not participate in this week’s “Friday fun activity” with her class. Cassidy’s father gave her extra chores for a week. And I decided to give her a writing assignment. I wanted her to write very specifically about what the girl who owned the frogs must have FELT when she found them missing and read the “HA HA” note. Last, I wanted her to write a very nice letter of apology. (She had already apologized and returned the frogs at school.) It’s important to me that Cassidy acknowledge that other people have feelings and are affected by her behaviors. I think this is something kids with ADHD often struggle with—they act purely on impulse without considering the feelings of others. ADHD explains these behaviors, but certainly cannot excuse them.
At the end of the day, I discovered that Cassidy had somehow missed taking her Adderall medication that morning. Again, not an excuse, but so interesting that these bad days almost always coincide with a missed dose. And secretly, I keep wondering whether Cassidy has bipolar disorder…
I’m obviously still feeling around for the light switch. Haven’t found it yet, but it’s somewhere on this wall.
If you love frog erasers, click here.
*not her real name
Kristyn Crow is the author of this blog. Visit her website by clicking here.
