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I know that men and women think differently. My first impulse is to examine how much of that is natural and how much is a result of cultural conditioning, but that’s a study for another time, and really another blog. What I want to focus on today is the sort of “us” vs. “them” mentality that arises sometimes, and how that might affect marriages.
I had to read “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” for a high school health class. I found it abhorrent, and said as much in my paper on the book. I understand as much as anyone how important it is to try to see things from your spouse’s point of view. But I loathed the broad generalizations the book made: when faced with conflict men want to storm towers, rescue damsels from dragons, and women want to snuggle into a bubble bath with a glass of wine and a good book.
Maybe some of that is true, overall. But I have to say this now: I’m the tower-stormer, the one who wants to fight through conflict right away. My husband might try to fix things, but he also needs quiet time to process conflict. What does that mean for us?
More importantly, the book’s terrible metaphor emphasizes unhealthy male-female stereotypes: men must always be the saviors, and women need to be rescued. Shouldn’t we be fighting against these stereotypes? I understand that the book wasn’t trying to reinforce the stereotypes; it was trying to teach men and women to understand each other and process accordingly. By not outright rejecting them, it was still kind of subscribing to them.
I understand that most people don’t follow such stereotypes. However, there’s another one we do: the doofus husband. How many commercials center on a put-together woman having to solve problems or clean up messes made by her incompetent husband? A similar commercial has been making the rounds lately: it’s for hot dogs, and it talks about how we can’t understand men, but at least we can feed them.
Oh, fabulous. I guess the tables are turned a bit: we have to save our goofy husbands from their own incompetence. Why do we keep stressing these ideas that ultimately speak of inequality in the marriage? I guess it’s kind of funny to laugh at, and maybe I’m being too reactionary, but can’t we find another type of humor where we’re not effectively belittling our spouses?
Men and women aren’t necessarily that different. I’m a firm believer in not trying to figure out “him” vs. “her,” or “us” vs. “them.” Sure men might think a little bit differently from women, as a whole, but rather than expending energy to learn that, how about you try learning about how your spouse ticks? If I subscribed to the “Men are from Mars” version of masculinity I would have no idea what to do with my husband, because he doesn’t fit most of it.
When it comes to personal relationships, we should meet people where they are, as individuals. We also shouldn’t reinforce these stereotypes, because that only perpetuates them. Communicate directly with your spouse, not through a book. Teach your children to do the same. That’s what will help us most in our relationships, not following the media’s sweeping generalizations.
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*(The above image by kenjimori is licensed by the Creative Commons 2.5 Attribution License).