Yesterday I wrote about the single parent’s dilemma of trying to find grown-ups to date and socialize with and not people who are interested in us or attracted to us BECAUSE we are parents and they think we can help take care of them too. As I was writing about it, I realized that there is another “issue” that single parents attempting to date face and that is the fact that many people are intrigued or think they like the “idea” or the “ideal” of children and family life, but they are not prepared at all for the reality…
Sure, there are those adults who know that they don’t particularly like children and don’t really want to have them in their life. To be honest, I prefer people with that sort of self-knowledge who are honest and up front to those who “idealize” family life or have unreasonable expectations about what a single parent’s life might be like. This is one of the reasons that I feel really strongly about being very up front about my single parenthood and how important motherhood and my children are to me from the very beginning. I’ve found that even when I do–there are a fair number of people who don’t really get it, the still harbor a fantasy of the darling, well-behaved children in the background who pop in to say “hello” and “good night.” These are the same people who cannot figure out why you get a call during dinner, or have to cancel because someone is sick, or why you might have to cut a phone conversation short to deal with a household catastrophe: “I didn’t think you were going to have to be a parent all the time!”
This is the reason why I think we single parents need to take our time when dating and considering partnering again–it seems important to me that the other person gets a chance to decide if they really can live with the reality of children and family life and get past that idealizing stage. Kids are constantly growing and changing and going through phases; family life is chaotic, noisy and messy–even for most of us who have taken the leap into parenthood–we probably had to have some time to adjust to the reality and let go of our fantasies of what life with children was going to be like. We, however, had the passionate love of, and commitment to our children to inspire us. When it comes to finding a partner and a “step” parent, it may take a while to find someone who truly can embrace the reality and accept that it is nothing like the idealized version!
Also: What is Wrong with Not Looking?
When Your KIDS Think You Should Find Someone