The other night, my daughter and I were watching a movie that was made in a city where I used to live about twenty years ago (or more.) When the movie ended, we started to talk about my life at the time I lived in the city (pre-kids) and as she kept asking questions, we continued to weave back and back and back until I realized that what was just “my story” to me, is really part of her ancestry. She wanted to know about life BEFORE she came to be here. Not just in passing comment, but she has finally reached an age where part of her identity is tied up with figuring out where “her people” come from.
I have a rather expansive view of ancestry, probably due, in part, to living in this changeable, mobile, post-modern world. To me ancestry isn’t just about who we’re biologically related to, but all the friends, mentors, places, pets–everything that weaves together to make a continuing life. I could tell that my daughter was interested in all those things as well. It wasn’t just about who begat whom, but all the hows and the whys and intersecting lines of people, places and things.
When my children were younger, I think I tried to control and construct the story of their ancestry more than I do now. In my own youth and inexperience, I’m certain I wanted to create sort of a “revisionist historical” version of how our family had been. It was certainly tainted by my own issues. But, as I have aged and worked through so many of those old issues and baggage, the ancestors and the history actually comes alive with all its flaws and foibles and colorful characters. And, with my children being older, this is the very “reality” that they are craving too. While they may not be ready to embrace their own upbringing or “family of origin” with much appreciation–reaching back into the past does help them start to gain clarity and understanding of why things are the way they are.
So, my morsel words of wisdom on this winter morning is to tell those stories! Not just the fun, pleasant and same old sanctioned family stories–but talk about the hard and icky times, your best friend in high school, the stray dog that came to live with the family when you were ten. It is those real, authentic connections that help our children make sense out of who they are and how we all fit together in this big, messy world.
See Also: Heritage Albums and Your Heritage, Our Heritage