When it comes to the language of marriage, men and women seem to really speak and communicate differently. It’s these different styles of communication that lead both men and women towards frustrating interactions unless they learn to hear what the other is saying and translate it.
Men are problem solvers. They hear about issues and they want to fix it. When they hear their wives are unhappy, then they really want to fix it. It’s a biological imperative and while in theory it’s very, very sweet – it’s also frustrating when a woman is just looking to vent it all out.
I Just Need to Hear Myself Think
The first time I said this to my husband, his expression was comical. He couldn’t seem to quite grasp that I wasn’t venting to him to get him to fix the problem, I was venting because I needed to get all of these random thoughts out of my head. Nine times out of ten, if I can rant about a problem – I can actually take a step back from it and look at my solutions more objectively.
One moment that stands out in my mind when it comes to dealing with this happened about two years into our relationship. A mutual friend and I had an argument over something that I cannot even remember anymore – but I got my feelings hurt. I’ve never been one to cry when I get upset, but I’d just been through a pretty emotional thing with my family and this argument really upset me.
When talking to my husband, he could tell I was upset right away. I told him about the argument and to my surprise – I cried during the retelling. My husband was furious, unbeknownst to me – his next stop after talking to me was paying a visit on our mutual friend. I have no idea of exactly what happened in the conversation they had other than my husband ordered him to fix it – and to fix it now – or there would be hell to pay.
Ultimately, I needed to apologize for my part in the disagreement, but all my husband heard was that I was hurt and I was upset. He wanted to repair the problem immediately – even if he had to force the repair.
Husbands Can’t Fix Feelings
This is where marriage hits the sticky wicket. Because women are more inclined to discuss what they are going through emotionally; most men want to hear about the tangibles. If you are hurt – they want to know what caused it. They want to remove the cause so you won’t be hurt. When you are angry, they want to take up your cause and deal with it for you.
Men are emotionally and biologically engineered to protect. It took almost four years for my husband to grasp the concept that sometimes I just needed to vent. I didn’t need him to fix it. I wasn’t trying to drive him insane by cataloguing every bad thing that happened in a day. I just needed to get it out of my head where it could lose the emotional mojo over my perspective.
Mixing it up
Our social connections are incredibly important to us – our social connection with our spouse is exceptionally important. One of the ways my husband and I solved this stumbling block in our communication was to lay the ground rules. If I just needed to talk, he would listen. If I needed his advice, I’d ask for it.
Over the years, our conversations have evolved to brainstorming sessions on a regular basis. I get his perspective and sometimes it’s useful and sometimes it’s not. However, the very fact that I can vent is enormously helpful. Oddly enough, my husband has taken a leaf out of my book – he lets me know when he needs to vent now too and when we want input – we ask for it.