In the early part of the 20th century there was a man named Edward Lee Thorndike and he is considered one of the fathers of learning theory in psychology. One of his theories, the Law of Readiness is what I want to talk about today. Our relationships, whether they are dating, engagements, marriage or simply friendships and family, go through stages.
Once upon a time, I was involved with a gentleman who was crazy for me and he was full of plans for marriage and a future. I wasn’t interested in marriage or a future and the more he talked about it, the more I pulled away. A very wise friend of mine advised him and later me, “that you are both in different places in this relationship and either you can be patient and wait or you’re going to find that one or both of you are just going to walk away in frustration.”
Her advice was prophetic, because within weeks, the gentleman and I did indeed break up. We didn’t manage to salvage our friendship because there was too much resentment on his part because I didn’t want more and resentment on my part because he was demanding so much more. We weren’t engaged and we weren’t married, so severing our relationship wasn’t that traumatic. But what happens when you and your spouse are in different places?
The Law of Readiness
This is where the Law of Readiness comes in. So what does this law say?
- When someone is ready to performing some act, to do so is satisfying.
- When someone is ready to perform some act, not to do so is annoying.
- When someone is not ready to perform some act, and is forced to do so, it is annoying.
So how do these laws help us? Think about where you are in your marriage and what needs you have and what needs you might not have fulfilled. Then consider where your spouse is. Are you on the same page? Are there things he or she needs that they are not having fulfilled? Could this lack of fulfillment then be projected into a general dissatisfaction with the relationship?
Relationships Are Tough
It’s hard to be married. We may not want it to be, but life can be hard and our relationships are hard, because anytime you combine the needs of multiple people, someone is going to find something annoying and something dissatisfying. It’s important to recognize what it is that is frustrating you and not to project that frustration onto your relationship if that’s not where it needs to be. Patience is key to this strategy, but pause a moment and look at the laws above and take a long moment to think about which of those apply to your situation and where you are personally.
What do you think?