Even though we cannot expect our children to be clones of ourselves, and they certainly will not take on our personality, all of our dreams, and our values–we can pass on skills and life knowledge that can better enable them to take care of themselves and achieve the independence we both desire.
You have heard the old saying about teaching a man to fish (as being far more useful than just giving a man a handout of fish that you’ve caught) and I think this is a perfect guideline for parenting. Sure, our kids might learn things even if we don’t teach them, but if we do pass on our knowledge and skills, they will be better prepared for independent living.
Instead of doing our children’s laundry, cooking ALL their meals, and generally contributing to sustained childhood and learned helplessness–we can gradually share what we know about all of these life basics with our kids, and they will be able to do things for themselves.
I think one of the biggest hurdles we parents have to overcome is feeling like as long as we do things for our children, they will continue to need us and our parent-child relationship will stay in a comfortable, well-defined place. We all want to feel needed, but it does not make us a “good” parent to still be doing our children’s laundry when they are 24–and it doesn’t help our children’s self esteem to still be so dependent on what mom and dad can do for them. Instead, we can pass it on–pass on our knowledge, pass on life skills–they may not be eager to hear our “wisdom” but they will likely want to know how to do every day tasks and ordinary things for themselves. And, as parents, we can give them all that basic “good stuff.”
Also: Teaching Kids About Practicing
Are They Doing It For Themselves–or for Mom and Dad?