While there are some single parents who have very involved exes or other parents, and some of you have mastered the art of co-parenting and could probably teach the rest of us a thing or two—many of us have less than perfect co-parenting arrangements. They might range anywhere from the completely absent “other parent” to one who shows up and disappears seemingly at random. Dealing with the on-again, off-again other parent can be hard on the child and challenging for the primary parent…
The thing about the on-again, off-again parent is that you cannot really complain or accuse him or her of being an absentee parent. They may even see themselves as involved and dedicated because they ARE around some of the time. It might be that they blame their work schedule or other family obligations and promise to be there whenever they can. Unfortunately, that may not be very consistent or anything that you can take to the bank.
The on-again, off-again parent may show up for some things, but he or she may pick and choose what he or she gets involved with. This can mean that as the primary parent, you are left either holding the bag, covering for a no-show, or stuck always doing the “dirty work” while this other parent chooses to do the fun or easy part of parenting. As someone who experiences this, I am not entirely sure what can be done about it. I know that we should be grateful that our children have the other parent in their lives on whatever level, but it can be frustrating not knowing when you are going solo and when the other one will show up acting like the ever-involved parent.
Eventually, the children do figure out who can be counted on and who can’t. It does not necessarily make it fun to always be the go-to person, but we can be thankful that our children have at least one reliable, ever-present parent in their lives. There is value in any the involvement of the on-again, off-again, but you can expect to have to help the child deal with the disappointments and heart break of knowing that the other parent will only show up when there is nothing better to do or anything else going on. As frustrating and upsetting as it can be, our children do deserve to have whatever relationship they can with the other parent—even if we cannot exactly count on them to be an equal co-parent.
Also: Revisiting Co-parenting Assumptions
Can You Share Concerns Safely with the Ex?