John and Jane were at an impasse. Their marriage was in crisis. They knew it, they tried to work it out between them, but the rifts seemed to grow wider and wider. The words that sum up brilliantly what they experienced are found in the words that open the movie Mr. And Mrs. Smith “The silence keeps growing between us, filling up with all the things we don’t say.”
The silence between John and Jane, punctuated by bouts of anger and accusation, hurt and desperation, grew wider. They recognized that it would continue to expand unless they found a way to break themselves out of the deadlock or got help. With over a decade of time invested between them they decided to see a marriage counselor. A neutral third party, that could help them gain perspective and perhaps help them to restore balance to their marriage.
Years before she met John, Jane sought the help of a counselor for managing her anger. Familiar with the process of individual counseling, she warned John that he couldn’t use B.S. and charm to get around the counselor. He protested that he intended to do no such thing. In equal parts of exasperation and amusement, she reminded him that he often used both when it came to dealing with others.
Four or five weeks went by and Jane finally found a counselor that sounded good both on paper and on the phone. She and John scheduled their first appointment and while their daily routines continued, the atmosphere between them remained highly charged, pregnant with anticipation, worry and in both of them, a little bit of fear.
The day they drove to see the counselor for their first appointment, John asked if Jane was nervous. She shrugged and said she wasn’t sure. She turned the question around and asked him the same thing. He said he was nervous because he didn’t know what to expect. The answer impressed Jane, John rarely admitted to such feelings. In fact, John rarely did anything he wasn’t absolutely sure he would succeed at.
Jane didn’t tell him her observations nor the small flicker of pride she felt that he was willing to do something he was uncertain about for her and for their marriage. Instead, they talked about inane things that kept the conversation and the tone light between them.
The next hour felt neither light nor inane, but filled with the wealth of their uncertainties as they introduced themselves to Doctor Smith.
Coming up next are pieces framing John and Jane’s experiences in the first few weeks with Dr. Smith.