One of the realities of many separated and divorced or otherwise single parent families is that there is often “sides.” Children feel like they need to take sides (or avoid taking sides) between parents and families and we single parents may feel like we are definitely on one side or the other. As we heal, recover and move on, however, we may find that our circumstance calls on us to play more a facilitator role and bring diverging sides together.
I have mixed feelings personally about finding myself playing the role of facilitator in my family situation. Part of me wants to plant myself firmly on one side (my side) and stay there, while another part of me wants to do whatever I can to keep my children from having to play the role of facilitator and go-between. That definitely feels unhealthy and unfair to me and I feel strongly that I need to be an adult and take on the organizing and facilitating whenever possible. That does not mean that I like it, but I do understand how important it can be.
Distributing the family calendar, arranging for rides, parties, etc., and all those other little details that can need some coordinating in a single parent family all need to fall to someone and it is probably best that the parent take on the role of facilitator instead of either letting it fall to the child or children—or letting things fall apart. The important thing, however, is to maintain some detachment and healthy boundaries around it and to not be trying to control or be controlling instead of sampling facilitating communication and coordinating calendars. If you find yourself feeling resentful or trying to force people to do what you want them to, you are not really facilitating—a facilitator is there to bring people together or share the information—not try to force things.
Also: When to Intervene…and When Not To
You May Need Agreements, Contracts and Established Meetings