I have confessed before that I am not a parent with a huge rule book. I have always had some very clear and basic standards and family guidelines that have been the glue that holds our family together. One thing I do believe very strongly about, however, is that whatever rules you have in your house and whatever way you have of parenting—it needs to be fair: the house rules should apply to everyone and the expectations need to be age-appropriate, yet consistent. There should not be different rules for different children.
I know that this can be challenging in blended families—families where the children have come from different families of origin. It can also be tough when you adopt a child or bring a new baby into an existing family structure. It can be tempting to develop different rules and guidelines for different “types” of children. There is a big difference, however, between creative parenting that takes into consideration different temperaments and personalities and changing the rules to suit the child.
For example, if there is a big age difference between your children, then having different bed times makes sense. For children who are only one or two years apart, however, having the same bedtime is consistent and fair. If you have a family rule about curfew—children need to be home by a certain time unless previously arranged, then it needs to be fair and consistent based on age and responsibility. There are certainly variances in any family and I know many of us find that we get increasingly lax in our parenting as we move down the line of our children (I KNOW that I am less uptight with my youngest son, for example, than I was with my eldest daughter.) Overall, however, the household and family rules need to be consistent and they need to apply to everyone equally.