Stories change. As our perception and our life experiences change and change us, the way we look back and see what has happened to us is changed as well. When we are in the midst of a difficult separation or divorce, or have just been through a traumatic loss–we may tell our family story one way, while year’s later, the story takes on a bit of a different patina. This is healthy and typical and can be a sign that you are moving through stages and growing.
Think back over any romance or friendship or even a job you have had–chances are, the way you thought about it and the “story” you told changed over time. You might have thought a new job was absolutely perfect and a great fit when you first started and then probably went through some changes in attitude and attachment over time; you might have eventually left the job because it no longer worked. The story you told about that job and what it meant in your life was likely very different at the end than it was at the beginning. The same can happen with our families. As single parents, how we think of the family we were and the family we are changes over time. Hopefully, as we gain more insight and more compassion, and heal from the pain and trauma, we can tell a more balanced story of our family evolution.
We can also expect our children to have different versions and different stories for the family history than we do. I always find it very fascinating how differently my children have experienced things. They will likely never see things from my point of view and while it is good for me to learn and understand how they perceived things, I have come to expect that our shared history has been experienced differently and has affected each of us differently–almost as if we are all four living and telling a completely different story of our joint family experience. This is normal and healthy–especially if as parents we make room for those differences, changes and evolution of the family story.
Also: the Parenting Blog