If you haven’t guessed by now, my Relief Society blogs (as well as my Gospel Doctrine ones) mirror my daily scripture study. Studying President Kimball’s lesson on the miracle of forgiveness, I found the sections covered tonight strongly related to a problem I had struggled with only a few minutes before.
While I am guilty of no major, confession-requiring, temple-preventing sins, I have several nasty little habits that I know I need to change. I suppose we all do. I also carry a strong sense of responsibility as to what I teach my children. This particular habit, which I have struggled with since childhood, was passed down to me from my mother. I can honestly say that I have come a long way with it since I joined the church ten years ago, but I am still not where I want to be. It is a habit that I don’t want my children to learn, and so struggle to overcome primarily so that they won’t have to later.
Tonight found me in tears, pouring my heart out to the Lord. Although I had already retired for the night, rationalizing away my evening scripture study because I had, after all, pondered things of the spirit this morning, I decided that I especially needed the words of the prophet in my heart tonight. And so I picked up the lesson manual.
I started on the fourth section, found on page 39, entitled “abandonment of sin includes building a new life.” The very first quote from President Kimball notes that “conviction of guilt is not enough.” Indeed, we must have an “earnest desire to clean up the guilt.” I pondered my desire. It was real enough. I have fasted, prayed, studied scriptures, and prayed some more. I have spent what probably totals days on my knees trying to overcome this habit, particularly after my daughter was born nearly six years ago. I have begged the Lord for help. Why then, I asked, was this not enough? Why did the natural man within me struggle to keep this habit so firmly entrenched?
Only a few paragraphs later, President Kimball answered my question. “One must not be surprised that effort is required, and not merely desire. After all, it is work which develops our moral as well as our physical muscles.”
So the truth comes out. Sincere desire and faith is not enough. Well, sometimes it is. Some of the little habits I kicked disappeared easily when I joined the church. But for those habits that have dug in and set deep, hard labor is required. We must put our shoulder to the wheel, and continue to push. It will not be easy, but then again, nothing worthwhile ever is.
Still I pondered. I didn’t just ask the Lord to remove my habit, then continue blissfully along in the old ways. I tried to avoid situations that would cause me to react in a predictable way. Now, these aren’t bad places; it’s not like avoiding a bar. They are just regular, real-life situations, and of course, they can’t always be avoided. So I tried praying when I found myself unavoidably caught in them. I asked for the Lord’s help on the spot. Sometimes I avoided the habit. Sometimes I didn’t.
The last quote in the section covers the necessity of leaning on the Lord. As I thought about it, I realized that, when I began to improve, I drew away from the Lord a little more. I cut back on my scripture study. I got lazy in my prayers, and grew more perfunctory in them. And the habit came back. I failed to overcome the natural man within. I forgot what President Kimball taught: “The man who leans heavily upon his Lord becomes the master of self.”
The second section I studied deals with confession. For those who have violated the major commandments, including “adultery, fornication, other sexual sins, and sins of comparable seriousness,” confession is necessary to church authorities. But for our smaller, day-to-day sins, confession is necessary only to those who were hurt or affected.
So this is my plan. I am going to take one day at a time. Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. I’m going to sit down with my husband and children and apologize (yet again) for this nasty habit. I am going to ask them for their encouragement, but I recognize that breaking the habit and exiting the sin is solely my responsibility. No matter what the situation, I have the choice of how to respond. Then I am going to break it down. My immediate goal is to make it one full day – Valentine’s Day! – without committing this sin. Then it will be two days. Then three. After a week, I’ll keep count by week. I will celebrate each successful night with the Lord, and thank Him for His help (which I will earnestly plead for each morning and again each night, if not frequently in between). I will be sincere in prayer and scripture study. Once two months pass, I will consider the habit broken, but will strive to monitor it for at least a third month. By then, I hope it won’t take continuous concentration, though I will still ask the Lord for guidance.
Sincere and total repentance takes work and effort. Some habits or sins are one-time problems that may be easier to avoid in the future. Others take more energy and concentration. I firmly believe that Satan knows where we are most weak, and strives to attack us at that point. In turn, we must seek to shore up those areas, that we might draw closer to the Lord.
Related Articles:
Gospel Doctrine: Ye Ought Not Procrastinate the Day of Your Repentance
General Conference: “The Atonement Can Secure Your Peace and Happiness”
RS/EQ: Hope and Repentance (also from this week’s lesson)