Most parents would probably say that they truly want their kids to find their own identity. We want them to be who they were meant to be.
But when they become teenagers and they start to go a direction we never envisioned or we don’t like, suddenly we try to mold our children into what we think they should be. And I’m not just talking about teens that go the “wrong direction.”
It could be things such as the way they view the world (especially if it’s different than we taught them) or their style (makeup, hair and clothing). We may not understand why our teen has chosen to adopt a viewpoint that is so contrary to what we think. Or we can’t get over the fact that they choose to walk out the house looking the way they do.
This is their moment in time in which to learn who they are. They are trying to find their place in the world.
If we come along to knock down everything about them, it can cause a couple of things to happen. One is that they stop trusting you. If they believe you don’t accept them, having a close relationship will be very difficult.
The other thing that can happen is they decide to take it up a notch. If you thought you didn’t like the rainbow colors in their hair, just wait until you see what’s next in store. Teens will sometimes rebel even greater when they see you are unhappy about their choices.
Now again, I am talking about issues that should have some room for leeway. There may be bigger problems that you need to tackle head on; for instance, hanging out with a bad crowd or a sudden drop in grades.
It can be difficult to know when it’s time to intervene and when it’s time to back off. I experienced a time in which subtle changes began to take place. It was hard to know if this was a battle worth fighting or if I should take a “wait-and-see” approach.
I chose to wait and see. And I will be the first to admit I was wrong. It spiraled out of control. But then there have been other things that I nipped in the bud right away and didn’t really need to.
In other words, there are no easy answers as the parent of a teen. It takes wisdom, making mistakes (I’m talking about ours), learning from them, showing grace and knowing when to apologize.
But the bottom line is that we can’t control who our teens are going to be. They are who they are and that’s just who they are. There may be some bumps in the road…just make sure you are there to guide them and help them up when they stumble.
Related Articles:
Photo by Victoria Williams in Flickr