My friend, a teacher, told me that one of her co-workers always says that she became a teacher because she wanted to be loved. So what’s wrong with that, you ask? Well, it’s backwards. Being loved is a great feeling. And when choosing a career, it is okay to think about what satisfies you emotionally.
However, you can’t expect to always get it. Everyone in the social service professions—ministers, doctors, social workers, teachers, counselors—must realize that they are there to serve, not to be liked.
This teacher’s statement may appear innocent. However, she was also known for sending students to the next grade unprepared, making more work for her colleagues, and often saddling them with the job of telling parents that their child showed signs of learning disability, only to have parents reply, “but the other teacher never had a problem!”
Maybe you can see the case more clearly when I tell you about a college student camp counselor. He was great with kids, usually, but two kids in our camp really pushed his buttons. (They really were difficult kids to work with, I’ll say that.) But Brad took it personally, and sometimes his bewilderment and frustration showed in his voice with the kids. One day. I realized the source of his problem.
“Why doesn’t Ronny like me?” he said plaintively. In his eyes was true concern and hurt. I turned to him in amazement.
“Because he’s an emotionally disturbed five-year-old, Brad,” I told him “All we can do is love them. They may or may not be able to respond.” I also realized that I would have to find some way for the mostly young adult staff to support each other. We were in such a small community for those weeks, and most kids were really satisfying to work with. But depending on the children to fulfill our needs would block us from meeting theirs.
In later years of work I would address this issue up front. “We’re here to love them; they’re not here to love us,” I said. Too often students (and others) are recruited for service jobs with the promise “there’s no more wonderful feeling than the gratitude and love in a child’s eyes” or some such sentiment.
If accepting these non-reciprocal relationships is important for teachers and service providers, it is even more so for parents, who are the main influence in their children’s lives over many years. There are nearly infinite opportunities for our children to dislike our decisions!
During our high school years, my best friend’s father forbid her to do something. “Some friend you are!” she said with great feeling. I’ve never forgotten her father’s reply.
“You know,” he said, “that’s not really my job. I’m your parent.” It is a lesson both my friend and I think of when we must take unpopular stands with our own children. We also both see other parents whom we wish would apply the same principle to disciplining their own kids!
Parenthood in general is tough. Adoption is often tougher. Make sure you are not relying on your kids to be your support system. Chances are you will get a lot of love back, but you won’t always. Occasionally a child may not seem to respond at all. Adopted kids need consistency and boundaries. They need parents, not friends.
I hate to use the time-honored phrase, but if it’s affection you need, you really can’t beat a puppy.
Please see these related blogs:
Attachment Parenting: House Rules
Parental Claiming of an Older Adopted Child