Nothing can come between friends faster than money except, perhaps romantic issues but that’s a different topic for another forum. There are many ways that money can create tension between friends, and sometimes the issues are so serious that friendships end because of them. Of course you value your friendships, but there are many good reasons that you and your friends should keep your finances mostly to yourselves. I am not suggesting that you never talk to your friends about money, because friends can often be great not only for listening but for helping you find new solutions or different ways of looking at situations that can help you to resolve them. That sort of friend-finance connection is healthy and can be helpful too.
The trickier area of the intersection of friendship and finance involves loaning money. Whether you are being asked to lend a few dollars, a few hundred dollars, or more, when a friend asks to borrow money from you a whole range of emotions can come up. Of course you care about your friends and want to help them however you can, but lending friends money is like playing with fire. It is just not a wise idea. Not only are the conversations about it awkward, but after a loan is made you wonder when the money will be coming back to you. It was, after all, a loan. Time passes and you begin to wonder if your friend understood that it was a loan and not a gift. You want to ask her when she plans to pay you back but you don’t want to upset her either. After all, she would not have asked to borrow the money if she was not having financial trouble – or would she?
You try to hide your feelings as best you can, but eventually you feel like you have to say something or you are going to explode. The conversation is not usually pleasant and you probably won’t get your money right then and there, nor are you likely to get any reasonable assurance of when it is coming back. It is pretty much as good as gone at that point. You find yourself thinking about your friendship and whether you want it to continue. After all, while the initial transaction was strictly about money the aftermath is about a whole lot more than that – trust, honesty, respect, and many other things that form the backbone of strong and healthy friendships have all been violated.
The next time a friend asks you to loan money, the best approach for both of you may be for you to just say “no”. You can say it politely but firmly, and you can reassure your friend that you care for them and are happy to support them by listening to them talk about the problem that created the need for the loan and helping tem to find a solution that will help them to get back on solid financial footing. If your friend is initially upset, do not be surprised. One of two things will happen. Either your friend will take you up on your offer of real, caring (non-cash) assistance or they will stay mad and may not talk to you for a while, or ever. Either way, you will know that you have a true friend who appreciates who you are and what you contribute to the relationship or you will have rid yourself of someone who may have been a good friend in the past but whose friendship you do not want or need if that is the way that it is going to be.
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