In my “Thoughts on Long-Distancing It” series, I’ve covered how commuter marriages are born and that breakdowns are inevitable.
You might have gleaned from these articles that stress is to be expected and often accompanies the situation.
But stress can also be managed and doesn’t have to destroy your relationship. (Because it can if you don’t keep it in check.) The three things you must have to ensure your relationship survives the long-distancing it phase are:
1. Patience
I put this first because it’s the most essential. You are going to experience turbulence in a long distance arrangement. It might be minor or it might be buckle-your-seat-belt-jostle-you-all-over-the-place rough.
What constitutes turbulence? Any annoyance that sets you off.
It might be you have a bad day, come home to an empty house, and realize the shoulder you want to cry on most is miles away.
Because it’s not, you might feel the need to blame that person and lash out at them.
But don’t give in to that. Remind yourself why you’re in the situation. Focus on that, not on what’s going seemingly wrong. Warn the other person you’re having a bad day. Warn them your patience is wearing thin. Find outlets to relieve your stress. Do them. Blowing off steam will help you regain and maintain your patience levels.
2. Communication
This is vital to any marriage regardless if the couple is separated by distance or not.
Talking to your spouse every day at least once is an absolute irrevocable must. Wayne started a neat thing we never did in any of our other moves: he calls to wish me good morning. Then we call each other around lunchtime, and again at the end of the day. Sometimes he calls right after he’s gotten off work and as he’s getting dinner. One of us always makes sure to call and wish the other good night.
Night calls are our longest. It’s when we have the most time to catch up on the day’s events and when we have other conversations about things related to the move or just things on our mind. The other calls are shorter, mostly just to say hi and let each other know we’re thinking of each other.
Which is what’s so key about communication. You do relay information, but there’s something magical about just hearing your spouse’s voice. It’s healing and helpful for when you can’t physically be with them.
3. Visits
We learned from our first move that it’s insane not to have scheduled visits of some kind. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, sure, but it also makes the heart hurt.
This go around we made sure that we never went longer than every other week without seeing each other. However, sometimes people find themselves in situations where flying back and forth that often isn’t practical.
My advice in that case is not to go any longer than a month. Marriages need people to make them work, and those people have to see each other. It might not be as often as they like for a while, but it shouldn’t be indefinitely. At minimum, one weekend a month should be reserved for your relationship.
Think of it as a “date weekend” –a date you must keep and cannot break!
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