In the Single Side of Things article I wrote in as part of my analysis of Today’s “Why I Got Married, Why I Stayed Single Series”, I ended by saying I didn’t really buy that the single women interviewed were truly happy with their decisions to stay single.
Tainted View
My thoughts on this are kind of corrupted, because my sister’s a 51-year-old never-been-married single woman. Back in her 20s it was common to hear her declare, “I’m never going to get married. I don’t need it.”
Then in her 30s she found someone she thought she might marry. Actually, two people. Not that she was totally on board with marriage, but her attitude towards it seemed to have softened.
But she’s thick-headed, stubborn, and as selfish as they come. She also doesn’t get what it takes to be in a relationship. It’s her way or no way, no exceptions. Consequently, she never married. (And never will.) But, in her mid-40s, she admitted in more than one teary confession that she’d always expected to. She confessed that deep down she always hoped to find the one, but it never happened.
Or had it?
Soul Mates: Myth or Reality?
In both the Married and Single segments of Today’s series, a side conversation they had was about soul mates. Dr. Judith Sills, the clinical psychologist that appeared on both shows, felt this concept can be quite dangerous to both camps. (Creates unrealistic expectations and all that.)
She felt you don’t find a soul mate because no such thing exists. A soul mate relationship is one you build with someone over years and years of being together.
I believe in soul mates. (But I like to call them pea pod mates.)
Soul Mates: Dangerous Ground to Tread On
But I understand the danger of concocting the perfect person in your mind that you just have to find in order to marry. You’ll never marry if you’re looking for such a person because perfect doesn’t exist. And if you do find what you think is your perfect person, get married, and realize you created an illusion about the person, well…that can have equally devastating consequences.
But I do believe in “the one” and that your heart will know them when it sees them. (Or dreams of them.) And that you’ll just build that bond stronger over your years together.
But I also believe you can be too picky, set too many expectations of what “the one” is supposed to be, and in the process blind yourself from recognizing him (or her) when he (or she) comes along. I also think it’s possible to meet “the one” early on, he (or she) sets the standard, but it doesn’t work out and next thing you know no one else compares.
This is what happened to my sister. Her college love was the one, but she didn’t recognize it then. (Something about declaring to never be any man’s wife because she was going to be an idependent woman.) Ever since, though, every boyfriend’s been compared and has always failed to measure up.
What do you think about soul mates? Are you a believer or not?