My husband and I married later in life. Because of this, a great number of our friends had married and already begun their families. Each of us, respectively, were privy to a great number of marital battles. By the time we were married, we talked about how we had to fight the world, at every level, constantly throughout the day and we wanted our home to be a haven of peace and comfort. So we sat down and discussed the things which were likely to send us into a full screaming battle. We talked for hours and made a list of things we wouldn’t discuss.
No, we’re not talking about leaving the cap off the toothpaste, putting the toilet paper on the roll upside or downside, or slurping the milk from the cereal bowl. One day, a new acquaintance, having heard of our famous “Do Not Discuss” list asked us what it was we didn’t talk about. He confided later that he thought it was silly until he heard our list. So, let me name a couple of things on our list of four.
First, we never, never discuss the 2nd Amendment, the right to keep and bear arms.
I grew up in the country. Guns were a natural extension of life. So much so that in junior high, they held hunters safety courses at school. Part of the course was learning how to shoot – so targets were lined up along the football field and through carefully controlled circumstances, we were taught to shoot. Guns mean safety in the country. Guns mean food in the country.
My husband grew up in the inner city of L.A. Guns mean death. Guns meant pain and grief. Guns for him were instruments of disaster and finality. Gangsters and other criminals use guns to terrify, coerce and kill. Gums mean something entirely different in the city.
We will never come to a consensus on this because we come from two completely different worlds. We’ve agreed he will never change my mind and I will never change his. No point in arguing about it.
Second, we never, never discuss the pro-life/pro-choice situation. I’m pro-life, hands down. Alvin is pro-choice, hands down. Neither one of us supports abortion. We both think its murder. I think women who have abortions should be punished here on earth, Alvin thinks women who have abortions should be punished in the heavens. Trust me. It is easier to deal with it here than there. We’re never going to agree on this so there is no use arguing about it.
We have two more, but there’s no point in going into them. You get the point. The rest of it just isn’t worth arguing about. We don’t always agree, and we do discuss things but we don’t fight. We’ve had one fight since we met in 1983. It was terrible. I hated it. But we worked it out and moved on. No grudges held. Alvin and I love each other. We want the best for each other and we would both crumple and die if we had to fight the world all day and then come home and fight in our home as well.
My advice, find the hot buttons between the two of you and ask yourselves, is this really worth fighting over? Outline some rules, like no screaming, shouting or issuing statements just to hurt. Stick to the issue at hand and deal with it without inflicting emotional scars. Your marriages will be much stronger, healthier and vital. You will stand together instead of against one another. Trust me. It’s worth it!