I wrote this past week about how I do not let my twins, who are quite verbally capable for their age, talk back to me. I received many Pms and comments and so I decided to continue with a series on toddler discipline.
My premise is that an inability to reign in (for lack of a better term) a defiant toddler will generally end up in an inability to reign in a defiant teen. Our toddlers are learning all the time what they can and cannot get away with. Their understanding is not limited to their vocabularies and they learn very quickly what type of parent you are.
So I feel it’s important to set a strong foundation for obedience in the early years. However, I often find with my own kids, that it’s easier said and done. We so easily slip into detrimental parenting patterns either because we’re tired or frankly because we’re doing exactly what our parents did with us. In any case, today, we’re going to talk about dealing with the ‘real issue’ as a means of discipline and/or preventative behavior management.
Although their vocabulary might be exploding, toddlers are still not the most effective communicators. They may well be having issues over something you said ‘no’ to, but it’s not the real issue. Let’s take a scenario that happened to us recently:
We’re walking to class. (Important because this means that we cannot take all day to get there.) One of my girls thinks that this potted daisy in the flower shop is just the thing to make her day. . .and so she attempts to pick it. I tell her no, that’s the store flower we have to buy it but she’s not hearing me. She hears no, and she technically obeys, but she’s none to happy about it and isn’t afraid to let me know. A semi-tantrum ensues.
Normally, my girls don’t pout and tantrum when they’re told ‘no’. They may not like it, but they will obey. Tantruming, will always result in getting strapped into the stroller and to them, getting strapped in the stroller is just about the worst type of punishment possible. But I guess my girl was making an exception for that day.
But here’s the thing. . .she had been awoken from a nap just minutes before. She had missed lunch which frankly, was a big faux pas in the world of mothering. (Call it an occupational hazard of having twins but I didn’t realize she hadn’t eaten until one of my older children told me.) She had also been asking for a drink but we had to get to class so I couldn’t accommodate just then.
It’s important to realize the underlying issue. It doesn’t automatically change the punishment. Just because she’s frustrated and miserable doesn’t mean that she can throw temper tantrums. However, I have mentioned that a tantrum outside, always results in the loss of the privelege of being able to walk. In this case, I carried her. She still lost her ‘privelege’ but I was letting her know that I understood she had some issues that needed attention.
Learning to delay your wants for the wants or needs of others is not an easy lesson but a necessary one. As I scooped up the offending twin, I told her that I wouldn’t let her tantrum. Then I told her that I would get her a drink and a snack as soon as possible.
So the next time you’re having an ‘off’ day, think about what events or problems might be contributing. Sometimes a simple change in schedule, a snack, or something else that seems unrelated can actually go a long way to solve the problem.
Related Articles:
Dealing with Toddler Back Talk
Why I Don’t Let My Toddlers Talk Back