With toddlers and preschoolers, there can be all sorts of sudden physical behaviors that cause grief—biting, hitting, and slapping can go hand-in-hand with temper tantrums. Hair-pulling is another one of those physical, lashing-out behaviors that can be tough to control and stop with the preschool set.
There is a difference between the curious and absent-minded hair pulling that a baby does—wrapping his fingers in someone’s hair and giving it a tug—and the purposeful gripping and yanking that an angry toddler or preschooler can do. As a parent, we might find it tough to stop that impulsive behavior and not only teach our child that it is wrong and hurtful, but also protect those who may be on the other end of those strong fingers.
It is important to send a very clear message about hair-pulling. No ambiguity here and it should be treated like any other violent outburst (biting, hitting, etc.) If children are taught from a very early age that violence is never a solution and never the answer to a problem, they will get the message. Meanwhile, we have to help them learn alternative ways to communicate.
Remove the child from the situation and into time out at the first sign of hair-pulling. There is no point in giving a long lecture to a toddler or pre-schooler—simply stating: “It is not okay to pull hair. That hurts people and I will not allow you to do it” gets the message across just fine. I do not believe that it is reasonable for a parent to pull a child’s hair to “show her what it feels like” as that just reinforces the concept that violence is permissible for some. Also, if you are a parent who uses hair-pulling as part of your repertoire, you really have no leg to stand on in trying to teach and protect children about it. Your child has already learned that this is one way of getting people to do what he or she wants.
Send the same clear message every single time. Intervene, pull your child’s hand away and put him in time out with the simple, but firm reminder that hair pulling will not be tolerated.