Continuing yesterday’s blog on the top ten myths I hear about adoption:
6. Myth: Social workers will make surprise visits to my home.
Reality: Most of our homestudy took place at the agency office. There was one required—and scheduled—visit to our home. Most of our time was spent talking in the living room. The only other room the social worker asked to see was the room where we planned for the child to sleep. We did not have to have this room prepared. She only wanted to make sure there was “enough space”—and she judged that what I considered to be a small room shared by her sister was “plenty”. Between the child’s arrival and the adoption finalization, there was one more required visit. We talked about our daughter’s adjustment and the social worker noted that our daughter seemed to feel “very comfortable here”.
7. Myth: An adopted child will never feel like“our own”.
Reality: An adopted child is your own. They may have different temperaments or abilities—but so could a biological child. It is the decision to commit yourself to loving someone, strengthened by shared experiences, that makes someone yours. Most of us are not genetically related to our spouses; do you feel that your spouse is your own family? As one father of nine said, “Four of my kids are adopted…I can’t always remember which ones.”
8. Myth: Adopted kids will have emotional problems.
Reality: Studies by the SEARCH Institute consistently demonstrate that adopted teens score equally well on measures of social adjustment and self-esteem as other teens. There is a vocal minority of adopted adults who speak of their adverse experiences. Most of them seem to agree that it is not merely being adopted that caused their problems, but the fact that their family denied differences and denied their feelings. Adopted children do sometimes have to make sense of heavy things that have happened in their lives. Bottom line for all children: if your child is in distress, listen, acknowledge his feelings, and if appropriate get him help, whether you think he has reason to be depressed or not.
9. Myth: It’s best not to talk about adoption or acknowledge differences in race, appearance, or history.
Reality: It’s okay to acknowledge differences. Let talks about adoption be initiated by the child or his/her parents, but if the subject arises naturally there is no need to feel awkward. Your matter-of-fact tone will convey acceptance to the adopted child and other children around.
10. Myth: Adopted children are different and exotic and want to be poster children for adoption.
Reality: Sometimes children don’t want to be the focus of attention or be singled out as different from their peers. Don’t ask personal questions in public. Don’t assume the child wants to do a report on his/her birth country or on adoption. Ask first (privately). If you are curious about adoption, any adoption agency can put you in touch with local families to phone or even visit. This is better than singling out a family at the mall.
Please see these related blogs:
Can We Ever Just Appear Without Being Explained?
Does Research Validate Our Fears?
Do You Love Them Both the Same?
The Adoption Homestudy Process