When our children are younger, we single parents can have a bit more control over custody and visitation arrangements. During the holidays, many of us have very definite, written, court documents that state who will go where and for how long. As children get older, however, and start into adulthood–they no longer have someone making those decisions and choices for them and have to start making them on their own. It can be very difficult and painful for a child who feels like she is torn between two (or more) different worlds.
I wrote earlier in the holiday season about what a pain it is for children who have to choose between two families during the holidays, but it was really from my perspective–with ideas about how to try to get divorced and separated families to come together during the holidays. For older teens and young adults, however, it becomes up to them to decide what they WANT to do for the holidays, and try to balance out their own desires with adult-like senses of responsibility and loyalty. I think of it as being similar to how it is when one partners (or maybe with a lot more personal history) and has to try to balance out everyone’s tugs and pulls during the holidays.
Family relations can get complicated in divorced families and there can be a great deal of family history to wade through–favoritism, blended and step families, relocations, extended family, disagreements and value/culture differences–for a teenager or young adult trying to strike out on their own and figure out where they fit into things, it can be an incredibly tough time and they can really feel torn between competing worlds. Even if, as single parents, we work to NOT add any guilt or obvious expectations, we can contribute to this tug-of-war without even realizing it (or we might realize it, and not be able to stop ourselves.) Older teens and young adults from divorced/separated and single parent homes need our patience and understanding as they maneuver the holidays. Instead of adding more stress and pressure, we can meet them with flexibility and empathy and try to help them have wonderful, loving holidays–not stressful, dysfunctional ones!