April always brings to mind Budly because he was born during this month and died during it too. (Born April 21; Died April 23)
Among the many memories I have him, the one that is guaranteed to bring tears to my eyes and which still haunts my heart is his very last moments. The ones right before he was euthanized.
We were given the option to be in the room, or to wait outside until it was done and then come in to say our final goodbyes. Wayne and I didn’t even need a moment to discuss it. We wanted to be there when they did it.
It was horrible. Heart-wrenching. Tears are streaming down my cheeks as I’m writing this, the pain even after all these years is still that palpable.
But would I change it if I had it to do all over again? Heck no! (The only thing I’d want to change is him getting the cancer in the first place. Or at least if he had to get it, have us catch it sooner.)
But no way, no how would I change my presence in that room with him.
Wayne, on the other hand, swears he’ll never do that again. (I can’t help but think of Aimee’s article “The Awesome One”. Budly was Wayne’s “one” and I think that made it even harder for him.)
However, if I have the chance to be there when Murph, Mr. Meow, or Tabby have to head across the Rainbow Bridge, I’m there. Period.
I see it as a blessing to have that opportunity to hold their paws and comfort them in their final moments. After all the many moments of comfort they’ve given me in our years together, to be there for them, show them through my actions that they won’t be alone, that there’s no reason to fear, and to tell them that for now we’ll be separated but one day we’ll be reunited again, would be such a gift.
It’s the most excruciating thing to witness, and just thinking of having to do it rips me up, but I know I’d do it in a heartbeat. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Maybe because I wasn’t able to do it for Mackie. I think it was worse just hearing he’d passed. I never got to see his body so I never fully trusted he was gone. With Budly there were no doubts, and I think that helped bring a certain closure I didn’t enjoy when Mackie passed.
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