I know, they don’t always act like adults, so why should we parents have to treat them like ones? In fact, I’m willing to go on record as saying htere are a lot of similarities between a fourteen-year-old and a three-year-old–tantrums, fits, snarky back-talk, risky behavior. It’s mighty tempting to try to send them to the time-out chair! But, I have a few years of parenting teenagers under my belt and the experience has taught me that biting my tongue and attempting to treat teenagers with the respect and calmness one would a co-worker actually works out better than scolding them like a toddler. It may not be as satisfying in the short-term, but it pays off in the long run.
Now, I’m not saying that we should let our teens run wild with no parenting and supervision. I’m really talking about how we communicate and interact with our teens. I stumbled upon the “co-worker” comparison quite by accident. I was chatting with a friend over coffee and I was talking about some work drama. I think I actually said something about how it reminded me of life at home with a houseful of teens. It hit me that when my kids were barking, exasperated, that I was “treating them like a baby!” I kind of was. Of course, I justified my behavior and communication style by my perceived opinion that they were acting like babies. Well, some of my co-workers acted like big babies too, but I didn’t talk to them like I talked to my kids. I talked to them “as if” they were behaving like rational adults.
The light bulb went on and I decided to use my co-worker communication skills with my teenagers. So, I started operting on the “as if” principal. After all, in only a couple short years, they will be adults and even if I’m not entirely on board with exactly “how” that transformation occurs, at least I’ll be prepared. Instead of lecturing, offering unsolicited advice, barking repetitive requests, and sighing at yet another choice I deemed irresponsible, I worked on staying calm and separating myself from the choices and outcome of my teens’ behaviors. Even if they didn’t do what I wanted, I’ve learned to let go (most of the time) of my aching need to correct mistakes and give them some of my hard-earned advice. They don’t want it, they don’t hear it, and what they do hear is “I think you’re a baby and you can’t handle your own life so I’m going to tell you what to do.” Instead, it’s now “I’m here if you need me. I love you and I have complete confidence that you’ll do what’s right for you.”
Do I get exasperated? Yes. Do they still make mistakes and act very un-adult? Well, yes. But, I find we are communicating much better and I’m liking myself as a mom more. I didn’t really like that nagging, finger wagging woman any more than my kids did. I’m still the mom and we still have rules and boundaries–although they are shifting to accomodate aging kids and a changing dynamic–but we’re learning to communicate on a new “adult” level and I’m working on treating them more like the adults they are trying to become.