It is so normal as parents for us to see pieces of ourselves in our children. They may make faces similar to ours or we may even recognize speech patterns, talents and gifts, or other similarities that help us feel bonded and “in tune” with our kids. We may also find that their experiences remind us of our own childhood experiences. This is normal–where it becomes a problem is if we are having trouble separating our own experiences and identity from our child’s and we start to “over-identify” with them.
We’ve all heard the horror stories of parents who “live through their children” and try to accomplish things or repeat things from their own childhood. Like many issues in parenting, it helps if we are able to identify what is going on and search out what might be triggering it. We can ask ourselves what is going on to make us feel that some our unmet childhood needs or desires might be getting wrapped up with our own child or children. For me, it helps for me to identify if I am feeling overly attached or involved in one of my children’s situations. Am I more involved in fussing over the event or an outcome that I probably should be? Then I need to ask myself why and dig into what is going on for me.
I think it also helps to focus on ways that our children are different. Sometimes, the similarities can become so charged that it’s hard to see our kids as completely separate people. Focusing on how the experience, the child’s personality, the child’s temperament, etc. are different from yours–both as a child and as an adult–can help to build in some perspective and separation.
The fact is, parenting does give us the opportunity to heal some of our past experiences. But, it can also bring up painful issues and situations that we may feel a bit unprepared to cope with. Professional help, and/or really good friends can help us work through our own issues instead of projecting them onto our children and over-identifying with what might be going on with our child. When our children experience really strong emotions and situations like pain, grief, embarrassment, anxiety, etc. it can trigger our own memories of similar experiences and we may try to “right the wrongs” from our lives through our kids. It is important to be able to separate and see our children as their own individuals with separate lives, paths, and experiences that are NOT a reflection of us. Then, we can truly be available to guide, help and empathize.