One of the things that can happen when a single parent shares custody (or at least visitation) with a child’s other parent is that it can be hard to completely heal and get over past issues. As our kids maintain relationships interact with the other parent, and we continue to have to interact with our ex-spouse or partner, we can sucked into old dynamics and dysfunctions that we would rather put behind us. Getting divorced or separated is not the same for a person who has no children as one who does—most of us must continue to be in contact and interact with those exes! Additionally, we may see some of the most annoying and aggravating personality traits showing up in our kids—and this can make it hard for us to ever let go and move out of old ways…
In my family, I find that as my kids are now very “typical” teenagers and having those teenage tussles with their parents over personality, independence, rebellion, etc.—it helps that I have had the time to do a lot of personal work and letting go and getting over my failed marriage. HOWEVER, it is tough when I hear my kids expressing frustration with their dad over some of the same issues that made our marriage so impossible—that is when it takes all of my focus to stay neutral and remind myself that they are on their own path and that their relationship with him is absolutely separate from what mine was.
The truth is—things tend to play themselves out again and again. Some people do change, but many of us don’t really change that much. I hear some eerie echoes in some of the issues that my three children are developing with their father and it could bring up very dead and buried angers and issues for me if I let it. Instead, I’ve learned enough to know that isn’t my role. Plus, I know my triggers and I have had years to work through things so that I can be available as a neutral sounding board for my kids. While I do have some insight, my job is to support and encourage them to work through things and figure out their relationships to their dad on their own terms—not to impose and influence them with my own opinions and interpretations.
Also: Coming to Peace With the Past
Adolescence May Bring Up Ancient History