I will say up front that I am of the opinion that trying to talk a child out of a want or a feeling not only doesn’t work, it can also actually make things worse. We might discredit our child without intending to or we may just be trying to find a way to move on from an uncomfortable situation.
I suppose I believe that a big part of a parent’s authority comes from a basic level of confidence and boundaries. If our boundaries are strong and healthy, we know where our own decisions, thoughts, wants, behaviors, etc. end and our child’s begin. When we to convince a child that she doesn’t really want what she says she does (even if we feel pretty sure that we‘re right), we are sending the child a message that we don’t believe she is her own separate person–we are basically setting up a power struggle and discrediting our child’s emotions and opinions.
Instead of trying to tell a child that he doesn’t want something he has stated he wants or that he isn’t having a feeling he has expressed, as parents we can accept those wants and feelings with compassion, but without indulging them: “I heard you say that you wanted a cookie, but I have said we won’t be having any sweets until after lunch” is more effective than “You don’t really want a cookie and you’re not really hungry.” By accepting what the child says and then giving a definitive response–acknowledging the wants and feelings but reacting accordingly–we can still be firm but with a respectfulness and validating our children‘s separateness. This can keep the lines of communication open (don’t we really want our children to be able to express what they want and how they feel?) while still setting limits and boundaries.
Also: Arguing Means Giving Up Power
Allowing For Dissent in the Ranks