Obviously my stress levels were through the roof at this point. We waited and waited for new photographs of our daughter’s biological sister, hoping they would shed light on the prognosis of damage from prenatal alcohol exposure.
My reading about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and Alcohol Related Neurodevelopmental Disorder
stressed that children with this disorder needed highly structured lives and predictable routines. I had to admit that we are just not that kind of family. We do a lot of really interesting things together, but organization and routine are not our strong points, to put it mildly.
Still, I had been struggling with a health condition causing fatigue. I had even had to put Meg in a preschool earlier than I would ever have done otherwise. I was really worried my other children would suffer if I took on this other challenge.
In addition, upon learning the birthmother’s lifestyle may not have been as pristine as we had thought, I decided to have my older daughter Meg’s cardiac ultrasound repeated. Meg was born with a heart defect, a hole in the chambers of the heart. When she was a year old it did not show on ultrasound and we were told that it had closed; no need to ever worry about it again.
This time the ultrasound showed that there was still a flap where the hole had been—it had partially closed. Probably a lot of us have this without knowing about it; I know someone who has it and runs marathons. But there might be some increased risks for Meg if she wants to have children, she should have antibiotics before dental work, and there is greater danger of a blood clot or embolism traveling quickly to a fateful spot. (You’ve read occasionally about people who drop dead of a blood clot or stroke when they get off a really long plane flight? Apparently almost all of them had this difference.)
So a problem I had thought was off the table for good was now back on the table—in a minor way, nothing need be done for years (except to forbid scuba diving and make her walk around and drink water on airplanes), but still, back on the table.
If we decided we couldn’t adopt Meg’s baby sister, both the Korean and the US adoption agencies wanted to look for a family, ideally in our state that would agree to let the girls know they were sisters as they grew up. While I knew this could have advantages for the girls, I couldn’t imagine taking Meg somewhere a couple of times a year to visit her sister, seeing her ourselves, wondering: if she was bright, would we always regret not taking her? If she did in fact have special needs, would we always wonder if we could have helped her more?
Meg’s doctor did not soft-pedal our concerns about antisocial behavior in some kids with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. But she also felt that if the impairment was relatively minor, we would be an ideal placement for this baby, given that we live only blocks away from the Early Intervention center, have some background in researching special needs, watching for signs and advocating for services, and live near the university which diagnosed FAS and runs a pre-eminent clinic serving victims and families.
There were some bright spots in our research. Some kids with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome were being taught (again, with lots of structure) to succeed academically and to manage feelings appropriately. Two books were particularly inspiring. The Best I Can Be: Living with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome/Effects is written by 15-year-old Liz Kulp. Our FAScinating Journey, by Liz’s adoptive mother Jodee Kulp, details the neurodevelopmental and sensory integration exercises that helped Liz.
While we agonized over what our lives would be like with this child we already loved—or without her—life went on as usual, only crazier. My husband was traveling, the kids had the flu, I herniated a disk in my neck, we were notified that a registered sex offender had moved into the neighborhood, and oh, yeah—this was spring 2003–my country was at war.
I almost laughed when I got my jury duty summons. What’s one more thing to deal with?? (I do believe in doing my civic duty. It’s just the timing here. Almost as bad as when I got three jury duty summonses while I was breastfeeding.)
Please see these related blogs:
Considerations in Adoption: Prenatal Drug and Alcohol Exposure
The One Reason to Never-Ever Have Even 1 Drink While Pregnant!
Behavior Characteristics: For People Affected By Prenatal Alcohol Exposure
Links Between Brain Differences and Behaviors in Prenatal Alcohol Affected People.
Working: My Flexible Jobs (an account of someone who works as a Personal Care Assistant for an individual affected by Fetal Alcohol Syndrome)