It is wonderful to get a bracha (blessing) for our children. That they should be learned, kind, talented. That they should make strangers smile, stop what they are doing, forget about their worries and appreciate the wondrous world seen through youthful eyes. Wouldn’t we all want to be proud parents of a child the teacher remembers fondly for years and even decades?
If we could imagine the possibility that all of the blessings given to our children could be fulfilled at once, that all of our realistic hopes and distant wishes could be realized in one child, would we, if given the choice, prefer this living, breathing ideal to reality?
It is an uncomfortable question, and an unnecessary one, because G-d did not leave the choice up to us. The ultimate choice is His. And preferring an ideal, an unreal set of advantages over human reality is not a real choice.
The Lubavitcher Rebbe raises the question that if there are obvious advantages of one thing over another, is opting for the advantageous thing really a choice? A free choice is, given two almost identical things, preferring one that has no outstanding advantage over the other thing. Picking an ideal thing is not a free choice, because the reason for the preference is almost irresistible. Choosing one thing, not because of its superiority, but just for the sake of the choice is an expression of unconditional love.
Jews are often called the chosen people, but this isn’t the result of any specific merit or advantage. As Jews, there are no significant physical differences between us and other nations. Yet G-d chose us out of pure love. Individual qualities are not the reason for the choice; G-d looks beyond traits and characteristics. Similarly, every single human, Jewish or not, is chosen by G-d to fulfill a specific purpose in the world. And when a person becomes aware of this holy choice in the form of commitment to his true purpose in the world, he becomes filled with boundless energy from a heavenly source.
We can apply this principle to parenting. Although we didn’t choose to have the specific children we had, we can freely choose to look beyond traits when it comes to love, good as well as bad traits, external or internal qualities. We seek Hashem’s unconditional love that is given to each of us regardless of how much we know, how much money we make, or even how moral and spiritual we are. If we access this kind of love, we can seem to choose our children, in a sense, because of their essential being and not what they can prove or provide.
The kind of love that looks beyond qualities and personality traits is the kind of love that can enable our children, and us, reach our true potential and fill us with the energy of creation.