This is, sadly, an all too common problem in the LDS community. But let me make this clear right up front: There are millions of good people belonging to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Unfortunately, there are also far too many who have succumbed to weaker passions and abuse their spouses and children, continuing to do so until the day they pass from this mortal life. This problem is not unique to the LDS Church, or even Christianity. Unrighteous dominion is found in every society, culture and religion.
In reading several talks the brethren have given on this subject, I came across one by Elder H. Burke Peterson, Unrighteous Dominion in Marriage, Ensign, July 1989 which I believe gives the best counsel.
He listed several questions, which he geared toward men, but I am going to tweak them a little and simply gear them toward the abuser period, be they man or woman, parent, child or spouse.
1. Do I criticize family members more than I compliment them?
2. Do I insist that family members obey me because I am the father or husband and hold the priesthood?
3. Do I insist that family members obey me because I am the mother or wife, and therefore the giver of life?
4. Do I seek happiness more at work, church, social functions or somewhere other than in my home?
5. Do my children or parents seem reluctant to talk to me about some of their feelings and concerns?
6. Do I attempt to guarantee my place of authority by physical discipline or punishment?
7. Do I find myself setting and enforcing numerous rules to control family members?
8. Do family members appear to be fearful of me?
9. Do I feel threatened by the notion of sharing with other family members the power and responsibility for decision-making in the family?
10. Is my wife highly dependent on me and unable to make decisions for herself?
11. Is my husband distancing himself from the home because I nag, criticize or demean incessantly?
12. Does my wife complain that she has insufficient funds to manage the household because I control all the money?
13. Do I insist on being the main source of inspiration for each individual family member rather than teaching each child or allowing my spouse to listen to the Spirit?
14. Do I often feel angry and critical toward family members?
These are good questions by which to judge your behavior. Answer them honestly and realize that if you have answered “yes” to any of them it is time to take a long hard look in the mirror and start making some changes. There are so many who abuse now, parents, children, spouses – it seems to a worldwide epidemic that increases as Satan rages in the hearts of men (and that is men in the generic sense).
Pride is a sore affliction for the abuser. It was pride that caused the Savior to be crucified. It was pride that caused Saul’s hatred of King David. It was pride that caused King Noah to go against his better judgement and consign Abinadi to the flames. It is pride that has driven the abuser since the beginning of time. It is pride that drives that same abuser, eventually, to unspeakable acts for which great eternal costs await.
The most “. . . misunderstood and misused scripture is Doctrine & Covenants 121:43, which reads, “Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou has reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy.”
“Perhaps we should consider what it means to reprove with sharpness. Reproving with sharpness means reproving with clarity, with loving firmness, with serious intent. It does not mean reproving with sarcasm, or with bitterness, or with clenched teeth and raised voice. One who reproves as the Lord has directed deals in principles, not personalities. He does not attack character or humiliate or demean an individual.” H. Burke Peterson, Unrighteous Dominion in Marriage, Ensign, July 1989
One of the basics of the ten commandments is to “honor thy father and thy mother” and no one is exempt from this. Those two people gave you life. Sometimes the appreciation stops there due to the extremely inappropriate, not to mention illegal, behavior of some parents. Honor does not mean to succumb to abuse. In other words, “Dad, Mom, I respect you for giving me life but I will not continue to be abused.”
Treating one another with such disrespect and anger is completely contrary to the teachings of Jesus Christ. We are to be kind, loving, nurturing, supportive, teach . . . we are to listen more than we are to command. There are great promises for those who learn self-discipline, who pattern themselves after a loving Heavenly Father: “This power from heaven is the power to bless, to strengthen, to heal, to comfort, to bring peace to a household. To lift and encourage is priesthood power. To those who learn how to develop this power will come the promises described in Doctrine & Covenants 132:20–21:
“Then shall they be gods, because they have no end; therefore shall they be from everlasting to everlasting, because they continue; then shall they be above all, because all things are subject unto them. Then shall they be gods, because they have all power, and the angels are subject unto them.
“Verily, verily, I say unto you, except ye abide my law ye cannot attain to this glory.” H. Burke Peterson, Unrighteous Dominion in Marriage, Ensign, July 1989
We are divine children of a loving Heavenly Father. Within us, that spark of divinity can be fanned into a glorious flame or crushed until there is no trace of our glorious heritage. We must, without equivocation, be the types of parents, children and spouses that our Heavenly Father knows us to be – capable of great things if we only tap into the godly attributes within us rather than indulging in the carnal.