First of all, I want to admit right up front that I have definitely used “positive reinforcement” with my kids. I am not someone who thinks that we parents should never offer treats in order to encourage our children to behave or improve behavior, but I do think that we need to keep things in perspective. I realize that the using and giving of gifts and bribes in order to get our kids to do what we want them to, or what we think they should is controversial. But, like most things, I think there is a way to apply some moderation and not become too dependent on the practice.
I do not believe in giving bribes for things like grades, sports performance, participation in activities, etc. I think that children need to learn to self-motivate and do things for either the joy of it, or because they can see the benefit for themselves. I also don’t’ believe in giving children gifts in order to get them to do what I want them to. That said, I think that the use of a “treat” can be helpful–especially when we are teaching children how to reward themselves.
For example, going out to dinner at the end of finals week can be a great motivating and rewarding treat. The reward isn’t in that the child gets certain grades, but in celebrating the accomplishment of having gotten through a challenging time and put the effort into studying and taking the tests. When my kids were smaller, I might say something like: “After we go to the library and run our errands, we will stop and have ice cream before going to the grocery store.” This way, I could encourage good behavior and focus on accomplishing the tasks, and by having ice cream prior to going to the store, they were more likely to NOT be hungry or fussy while we did the grocery shopping.
Helping kids learn how to reward themselves and how to be self motivated, requires that a parent use positive reinforcement and gifts and bribes carefully and judiciously. By thinking of the long term and how the use of such reinforcements can build character in the long term, parents can avoid the pitfalls of tying bribes and gifts to love, performance, and pleasing someone other than oneself.
Also: Are You Asking Your Kids For Permission?
Point Out Behaviors In Other Kids You Like
If We Want Our Kids to Have Character Traits–We Need to Have Them First