Why is it called visitation? Are our children really visiting their non custodial parent like they are guests in that home? I’ve always disliked that word. It brings to mind prisons and hospital. Visiting hours are from… you get the idea.
In the state of Utah if the divorcing parents cannot agree on a visitation schedule the state allows the custodial parent every other weekend and Wednesday nights. There are all kinds of rules about alternating holidays and what time the child has to be returned to the custodial parent.
Really? Is this what we are reduced to in our anger over the divorce? Holding our child’s time hostage to punish our ex spouse? Is it really fair to dictate when a child can see their parent?
When I got divorced I remember being sad for my ex husband. I couldn’t imagine not seeing Hailey’s face every day and I wasn’t willing to do that to him. I told him he could see her whenever he wanted, just let me know so I didn’t make plans.
We still followed the basic “visitation” schedule. He took Hailey every other weekend, which allowed me to have some free time on the weekends to figure out what to do with myself post divorce. He also knew he was free to take her every weekend if he wanted, just let me know.
When Hailey got a little older, in addition to the every other weekend thing we decided that during the school year she would live with me and during the summer she would live with him and I would get her every other weekend.
The first summer I was excited. I couldn’t wait for school to be out. I had a whole summer to be responsible for no one but me. That lasted about a week, and then I was going crazy. The house was too clean, too quiet. I missed our bedtime talks. I learned what it’s like to be the non custodial parent. I visited Hailey more; we went to dinner, walked the mall and the park and talked on the phone every day. It still wasn’t the same as tucking her in every night.
Divorce is hard, there’s no question about that. As the adults we should try our best not to make it harder on the kids. Parents shouldn’t have to schedule time with their kids, if they are on their way home from work and want to take their child out to ice cream, they should be able to call the custodial parent and met with a civil conversation.
We lose nothing when our children love their other parent and our kids gain everything.